The Journey

Chapter 4

Will A. Sanborn

8/16 - 8/20/94

In the morning I wake up a bit abruptly, but not nearly so as the morning before, this time understanding the source of the faint sounds of the hunt drifting through the woods. Checking my watch, it reads 11:43, although it's only about an hour or so after sunrise. 'Damn, their days must be longer than ours,' I muse, suddenly realizing why my watch had been acting so screwy the past two days. 'It must be over twenty-six hours. So I've been getting an hour or so extra sleep a night... well that's pretty neat. That would explain why I feel a little more rested, that and the fact that I've been sleeping like a log since I've been so tired from all of the hiking.'

Sitting on my bedroll and waiting, the sounds in the woods become louder, and I soon hear the final still-somewhat blood-curdling howl as Marissa finishes her prey. Trying to prepare myself for whatever condition she might be in, I rise and scan the woods a little nervously, watching for her to come into view. After a couple of minutes, her footsteps become audible, gaining in intensity, as her form soon appears and she emerges from the forest.

As with yesterday, she has blood spattered on her hands, shirt and muzzle. However, this time she isn't as messy, as if some care was taken to keep herself clean while doing the killing. Walking towards me, holding out another fallen pantouka, she smiles at me with satisfaction and warmth. Today she looks more in control, not as feral as she was before. There is still some definite wildness to her, but she no longer gives the impression that she might mistake me for a source of protein; perhaps I'm just a little more prepared for her actions.

"Good morning Ben. I hope this isn't too frightening for you this morning. Did you sleep well last night?"

Still a little shaken at seeing her like this again, I reply "Yes I did, I've been sleeping pretty well these past couple of nights, I think from working so hard during the day... Did you have a good hunt?"

"Yes I did. Thanks for asking... You look a lot better than you did at this time yesterday. Would you like to try and learn a little bit about cleaning the kill, or would you rather not? It's up to you, and I don't want to push you into this... I won't think anything less of you if you don't want to do it."

Hesitating a moment, trying to decide this answer for myself, I finally respond with "yes, I think I would like to try. I know I can't do any of it today... That's too big a step for me, my stomach's still a little weak. But I would like to try and watch you clean it, and see how long I can last."

"Very well," she answers, "let's get to work."

Sitting down on the grass, with me next to her, she pulls out her knife from one of her pockets and again goes to work, first slitting the pantouka's front wide open. Then as before, she reaches into its belly and begins extracting all of the entrails. Watching her perform this operation, I struggle to maintain control over my stomach as it slowly twists and squirms. 'It's okay, it's only meat... just a little fresher than you're used to' I think, trying to reassure myself, which doesn't seem to be working all that well.

Halfway through the procedure, she looks up at me and is a concerned by the expression on my face. "Ben, are you going to be okay?"

"I think so... I'm gonna try and make it all the way through," I pant.

Smiling warmly at me, and with great respect and admiration, I feel her reassuring power wash over me, stabilizing my condition. As my nausea comes under control, it seems as if I'll be able to make it through this after all. Feeling gratitude for this simple act of kindness, and wishing to express myself, I remember how she had lightly touched me yesterday during our discussion before lunch.

Looking into her eyes and reaching up a bit nervously, I take my hand and rub the backs of my fingers through the soft downy fur of her cheek, avoiding her whiskers which might be sensitive, and the blood on her muzzle. She acts a little surprised by my actions, but does not shy away as I softly stroke her cheek. "Thank you Marissa. You have been very patient with me, and it really means a lot to me..." Then actually realizing what I'm doing, I quickly add, "this is okay, isn't it?"

She answers me first by rubbing her cheek against the back of my hand and softly purring, then finally speaking. "Yes Ben, this is okay, and I'm touched by your thankfulness. We are friends, and this is a sign of affection... but right now we really need to get back to this," as she points down to the carcass in front of us. Being jerked back to reality, I nod and remove my hand, making sure to run my fingers through her fur just once more. Then it is back to the task at hand.

The rest of the cleaning is about the same. I do pretty well through the rest of the gutting, but when it comes time to remove the fur, the queasiness starts setting in again. As she cuts along the fur and rips it and the skin off from the body, with somewhat of a ripping sound, I feel my stomach tightening again. Making a few gagging sounds alerts her to my condition, and again she takes time to ease me back to a comfortable level where I can watch the proceedings.

The final task is removing the head, which poses a little difficulty, since her knife has a bit of time cutting through the bone. She has to hack it for a bit, and then rock the head back and forth, twisting slightly, all the while causing some cracking sounds. This is pretty difficult for me, and I can't watch all of it, but as with the rest of this ordeal, it's over in due time.

After it is all over with, about ten minutes or so, it really wasn't too bad in retrospect, having seen it once, I think tomorrow I will be able to handle it a lot better. It's still pretty gross, but that's just because it's so strange and new to me; I'm sure I can learn to deal with this. It'll be difficult, but I'll manage, I always have before.

We bury the skin, fur, head and entrails using a shovel we brought, and then set the meat roasting on a spit on the fire. I try again to make the fire, with a bit more success than last night, but I still need Marissa's help. Once breakfast is cooking, she heads down toward the river to wash up, and I head into the woods to answer nature's call.

Before coming back to camp, I head towards the stream to wash my hands. However, upon coming within sight of the water, I am astounded to see Marissa a little distance away, bending down at the stream and washing herself. I duck quickly behind a tree, sure she hasn't seen me, since I'm a good bit in the woods, but also close enough to see her somewhat clearly. I had completely forgotten that she would be washing up at the stream, and do not wish to disturb her. However, there are forces within me that can't let this opportunity pass untaken advantage of.

Peeking around the trunk of the tree, I look at her once again, and although I shouldn't be doing this, take in the full aspects of the scene before me. She is kneeling down by the edge of the shallow stream, with her shirt off and her beautiful spotted fur exposed to the air.

Unfortunately she has her back mostly toward me, so my view is fairly restricted, but even the contours of her back are quite pleasing to my eye. As I watch, slightly gasping, she takes the cake of soap in her hands and rubs softly at the blood in the fur on her forearms and hands. Then moving up to her face, she tackles the blood stuck to her muzzle.

Sitting there feeling somewhat depraved at spying on her like this, but definitely unable to turn away, I patiently watch as she finally finishes with her face and turns her attentions to she spots of blood that much have soaked through her shirt and onto her fur. Watching with my pulse quickening, she lathers up her hands and brings them out of my view, washing her chest and abdomen.

Watching her bathe like this is so hypnotizing, as a million thoughts race through my head. 'Damn what I would give to be there helping her with that.' Part of me even wishes to step out of the woods and announce my presence, but again rational thought and shyness win out against my nefarious urges. There is also part of my conscious that feels extremely guilty for watching this spectacle before me. 'I feel like a raging teenager again... I really shouldn't be watching her like this... but how could I pass up a chance like this one?'

Finally she finishes bathing, and rinses herself off with handfuls of water, then turns her attention to cleaning out her blood-soaked shirt. Then the realization that she is almost finished hits me and jars me from my hormonal trance. Backing up very slowly, so as to not alert her to my presence, I retreat deeper into the woods and finally turn and head for the campsite, thankful that the sound of the running water must have been enough to cover my soft footsteps.

Getting back to the fire, the smell of the pantouka is very pleasing to my hungry stomach. Sitting there in front of the fire, I try and forget what has just happened, so as not to expose myself as the lecher I feel that I am when Marissa returns from the stream. Now that my arousal has died down, guilt has risen up to take it's place. 'How could I have let myself do that... to take advantage of that situation... I thought I respected her more than that...'

I beat myself up like that for several minutes until she finally walks up from the stream. Trying my best to disguise my feelings, I look up at her a little nervously. She may have noticed this, but if she did she must have written it off as me still being a little uneasy about the whole hunting and cleaning situation.

Luckily by the time she returns from bathing, the meat is fully cooked, and we can begin breakfast. Today I am more at ease with the idea of eating freshly-killed meat, which I had seen prepared so thoroughly. The meat is still tough and not as palatable as typical American cuisine, but it's also not that bad. The stringy texture still gets to me, and it's a bit tough to chew, but I find myself getting acclimated to it's taste. It would be nice to have fried eggs and bacon, or pancakes, or an egg mcmuffin, but for the while pantouka meat and fresh fruit will do.

We eat mostly in silence, mostly because of our hunger than for anything else. I'm feeling a little uncomfortable, but am able to disguise it well and Marissa doesn't seem to pick up on this. Part way through the meal she asks me how it tastes today and I reply that I'm getting more used to it and may even soon learn to love its taste.

After breakfast, we pack quickly and are once more off along the dirt road, drawing slowly nearer to our destiny. Making sure to match pace with Marissa, and at all times to keep even with her, or even slightly ahead, so I won't be tempted to let my eyes wander over her as we walk, I try and make conversation to keep my mind of my current problem.

This diversion works fairly well, as we talk away the miles and I begin to feel a little more at ease once again. Our conversation is very fluid and flows from topics quite naturally. We further discuss our home worlds, trying to help the other get a firmer grasp of our daily lives. She has me explain my research a little further, listening excitedly as I once again tell her of our modern marvels.

Then the discussion works its way to their technology, with her explaining just how advanced their scientific and engineering fields have become. My original estimation of a mid-1800's technology level is fairly accurate, and as I ponder this with my scientific curiosity, several thoughts surface. At first I realize just how primitive their world is compared to the level of luxury I'm accustomed to. Of course I don't mention this out loud, not wishing to offend her, but it's quite obvious that there are several things that I take for granted, which are missing in our current situation.

The most prominent one of course is the decent lack of bathroom facilities out here in the wilderness. All things considered however, I think I'm managing okay, learning to use the woods like I'd been doing for the past two days. It's been quite some time since I'd been camping as a boy scout and I had forgotten just exactly what "roughing it" meant.

Even though decent plumping is lacking, and I'm suffering mild withdrawal symptoms from information exchange on the internet, this is beautiful country, and it's very nice to just be able to relax a bit and not have to worry about research deadlines. The workout I'm getting is nice too, feeling myself becoming a little more strengthened each day. I was in fairly decent shape before this trip, and after it, should be incredibly fit. My muscles still hurt a little bit, but they are getting used to what I'm forcing them to endure.

It's also nice to be traveling alone here with Marissa. Even neglecting my obvious attraction to her, she is a wonderful traveling companion and is teaching me more than I ever could have dreamed of learning. Thinking about this I once more labor on the subject of my mixed feelings toward her. On one hand I'm extremely happy with how our friendship is progressing and how patient and compassionate she has been toward me. Not wanting to jeopardize this, it's hard to deal with the fact that my hormones are definitely turned up a notch or two.

Still feeling rather guilty for watching her bathe this morning, I try and suppress some of these thoughts. It's obvious that I'm going to have to deal with this sooner or later, but I have no idea how she's going to react. 'She must be somewhat interested in me, just going by how she's touched me, and let me touch her... but how can I be sure just how interested she is? If I make a move now and it's too soon, it could make things really difficult making a mistake now...'

Trying not to dwell on these thoughts for too long at a time, I throw myself back into the conversation, passing the time happily with her. For most of the time, things seem to be going great, as long as I don't try to over analyze the situation and completely plan out every next move; going with the flow seems to work quite well, and time passes very quickly.

After lunch, we finally meet the first traveler we'd seen on the road. It had been about two days since I'd dealt with anyone besides Marissa, and I wasn't exactly prepared for the encounter. Back in town, people knew and respected Marissa, so seeing her walking with this strange creature, something vaguely reminiscent of a shaved ape, they had been surprised, but had politely kept their distance. The individual whom we met up with didn't extend this courtesy to us however.

Seeing the cart approaching from the distance, and becoming a little nervous, I wait the few minutes it takes for us to meet up with it. The cart is a little bigger than the typical horse-driven carriages I remember seeing in the movies and television, and instead of horses, it is being pulled by two oxen-like creatures. They closely resemble oxen, both of them being jet black, but they are bigger than their Earth counterparts, both of them coming up to head level, looking very massive and intimidating.

This cart is stacked in back with crates and barrels of supplies and is driven by a large and strapping cougar, easily several inches above six feet tall. Watching us as he approaches, he slows to a stop as we meet him and quietly looks us over, resting his piercing gaze on me as he sizes up this strange aberration standing before him. It seems his oxen are a bit surprised by my appearance too, as one of them snorts rather loudly, sending a quick spasm of shivers down my spine.

Finally deciding someone must break the silence, gathering up my courage, I stammer a "hello," with my voice cracking ever so slightly. Introductions and new situations have always been a little hard on me given my slight shyness, and the intensity of this confrontation is enough to rattle my cage.

"Hello there yourself" the driver replies with a very cold and gruff manner, still staring at me as if trying to decide what should be done with this nervous little creature lacking any real fur to speak of. Then turning to Marissa he asks "good day ma'am, it's certainly curious to see someone like yourself traveling out here... and what are you doing with the likes of him, whatever type of beast he might be?"

Replying rather calmly to this, all she says is "our journey is of no importance to you... and my friend here is a human from a land far away. This is all you need to know, and we only wish to continue or journey without any interference from you."

"No need to get so defensive... I meant no harm... it's just that he's rather funny-looking and I didn't know what to make of him... Until he spoke I thought he might have been a pet of yours..."

This is too much for me to take, as my fear quickly turns into anger at being treated this way. Usually I might not make a stand, but something within me, possibly the knowledge of my newfound talent, gives me a push. Being determined not to take this abuse from this furry redneck, and concentrating on building the power within me, I quickly raise my hand and disperse a small flash of light.

Catching the cougar's attention, I then inform him of my status, staring coldly at him. "I can assure you that I'm here on my own free will, and no matter how different I may look, I don't think you should talk to me this way." My speech is rather sharp and my actions quick and not well thought out.

I quickly realize that my rash actions may not have been the brightest idea, as his face contorts into a partial snarl, his ears flatten and his gaze narrows. "I was talking to the lady here, not to you, you little pip-squeak and I don't think you should be talking to me this way" he growls back. I had hoped that my display, no mater how totally useless it was, would impress this simple felenzi and fill him full of terror. Instead it had only angered him, and by the looks of his partially extended claws, which he was lightly flexing, it had only served to invite a confrontation.

Grabbing my arm, and pulling me away from the cart, Marissa then steps in front of me. "Gentlemen, I think this is getting far too out of hand... why don't we just go our separate ways?"

His face quickly softens, as I feel the aura of Marissa's pacifying energy pour out from her. His eyes go a little blank, and his muscles all relax, causing him to slump a little in his seat. Reaching over and pulling on the reigns near the oxen, she starts the cart in motion again, then quickly ushers me away, as I watch the cart retreat from us.

When we are a safe distance away, she stops looking nervously back, and turns to me. "Dammit Ben, what were you thinking back there... you should have never challenged him like that." she scolds in a somewhat harsh, yet also concerned tone of voice.

"But..." I stammer, still recovering from the encounter. "I thought that's how you dealt with things like that, by putting up a show of force..."

"Yes it is, most of the time... but we also know when to back away. And you have no force to speak of, at least not yet. What would you have done if he had attacked you?" I can only stare blankly back her for an answer. "He could have torn you apart, while all you could have hoped to do is flash some light in his face... Also Ben, he was getting ready to pull a gun on you..."

This revelation stuns me, as I try and comprehend what this could have meant. As my face registers my surprise, she continues. "That's why I didn't get into a confrontation with him... it was too risky. Even my healing might not be enough against a nasty gunshot wound... You need to learn when it's okay to make a stand, and when it's in your best interest not to... If I hadn't been there to intervene, he'd be picking what's left of you out of his teeth right now..."

'If you hadn't been there, then I would be safe at home right now' I think, not voicing this, realizing that this would be an unfair statement to make. "I'm sorry Marissa," my voice stammering slightly, "I don't know what got into me... it's just that I wasn't prepared for being treated in that way. I thought I could scare him off easily..."

"It's okay now Ben," her voice softening, as she gently pats my shoulder, calming me. "You gave me quite a scare, but we were able to handle it, and nothing bad came of it... Also, this makes me realize how I need to try and teach you as much as I can in the next few days before we get to town. I hadn't realized how people might react to you..."

The thought of a town filled with individuals like the cart driver sends another shiver down my spine, but Marissa's kind words and gentle reassuring touch help to take my mind off of it. We continue walking, and start up our conversation again, and manage to put the whole thing behind us. The rest of the day passes without further incident. Several disquieting thoughts still lurk in the back of my mind, but I'm able to do a fairly decent job of ignoring them while occupying myself talking to her.

When we reach a decent site to camp for the night, I'm pleased to see that the stream we have been following has widened out and become deep enough in a few places to get sufficiently wet for bathing. Considering it's been two days of hard work since I've taken a bath, this idea sits quite well with me. Taking a complete change of clothes and a cake of soap, I head down to a secluded part of the small river, leaving Marissa to gather wood for our fire.

Stripping off my sweaty clothes and stepping into the water, I shiver slightly at its coolness, but it's also very refreshing sitting down and letting the water run over me. Enjoying the simple pleasure of bathing, even in this primitive form, I slowly lather up and getting used to the temperature, become quite relaxed.

Spending several minutes like this, I am suddenly reminded of how I spied Marissa bathing this morning, and quickly look nervously around me, trying to see if I could be being watched myself. Of course the idea is totally ridiculous, but perhaps from my guilt, I can't quite shake it and become a little nervous. Also, the thought of her hiding in the bushes watching me as I run my soapy hands across my wet skin, is a little exciting; I almost wish to catch her in this act, even knowing how absurd the possibility of that is.

Finishing cleaning up, I rinse off and arise from the two-foot depth of the river. Standing dripping on the shore, waiting a few minutes before drying myself, using my clothes as makeshift towels. Then feeling totally refreshed and enjoying how wonderful being clean feels, I return to the campsite for my nightly magic studies.

Spending another hour or so as my tutor, Marissa once again helps me to gain more control over my newfound powers, teaching me how to channel and control the energy flowing through me. Even after experiencing the force of the magic within me several times before, each time it begins to build within me, I am still somewhat overwhelmed by the sensations. Sitting there with my body tingling with some unknown force, a force which I have some amount of control over, is quite a rush. Just the knowledge of uncovering a force not explained by science or rational thought, and having this all at my disposal, causes all sorts of wild thoughts and emotions.

I still have a little trouble totally believing all that has happened and everything I will soon be capable of. The knowledge of magic existing at all was overwhelming enough, but to learn that I also possessed such unheard of talents was kind of a shock to my rational view of the world. Luckily my mindset has always been somewhat open-minded to things that might not be totally explainable, and with Marissa's help, the knowledge of these powers has been assimilated fairly well. Sometimes this all seems like it's a dream, but life is never what we expected, even if it's as weird as this. Anyway, now that I have had the taste of those hidden forces and felt the power surging within me, there's no way that I could even conceive of living without the knowledge of them.

Marissa is a wonderful tutor, and is slow and patient with me, never getting frustrated when I have problems. In fact, there are times when I'll become frustrated, and she's there to help me step away from the problem, take a short break, and calm down. Her constant support and proficient teachings are extremely helpful, as I gain a little more control over the energy within me each night; she is always eager to encourage me and offers sincere and assuring praise at every little milestone.

After dinner and we have snuggled into our bedding, we watch the remnants of another beautiful sunset. Staring into the sky, watching the light slowly fade as the first stars begin to appear, Marissa comments "it sure is beautiful out here, isn't it Ben?"

This is a little surprising, since the past two nights she has been quick to fall asleep, leaving me to gaze into the heavens and ponder things by myself, trying to unwind and fall asleep. "Yes it is... It's weird, but you never really appreciate simple things like this most of the time... I guess I'm too busy with everything else..."

"Yes... I guess we take things for granted. It's been nice to get out here in the wilderness. I know it has been tough at times, especially on you, but it has been very rewarding too... maybe more for me, since I have enjoyed the opportunity to hunt."

"It's been fun for me too, for the most part... yes there's a lot of little details that have bothered me, but it has been a decent vacation so far... Do you really enjoy hunting that much?"

"Yes Ben, I do. I can't explain it to you, but the feeling of the hunt is very exciting, and it connects us with our past. The thrill of the chase, and finally taking the prey is such a powerful rush... we have come a long way from our ancestors, but we can't deny where we came from... Does it still bother you?"

"No, I guess not... It's still very different, and is a little tough on my weak stomach, but I'm trying to deal with it... I'm glad that you enjoy it so much, and it has come in handy as a food supply... It still reminds me of how different our two races our when I see you return from the hunt, but it's more intriguing than frightening."

"Ben, you've been handling this whole situation very well. You're a very commendable individual and scholar... I'm glad that I chose you for this journey. I don't know exactly what we're going to run up against when we finally reach our destination, but I feel better having you here with me..."

The mention of this reminds me just why we are on this trek, and that this is going to turn into more than just a vacation, possibly very soon. The thought of this is a little unsettling, as I try to contemplate just what we could be facing off against. "What exactly do you think it's going to be anyway?"

"I'm not sure... perhaps it won't turn out to be anything more than a natural effect, like the members of the guild assembly seemed to think... but I think it could be more than that... I really don't know what it could be though, but I do think there's something to it, and that there's some intelligence behind it... the feelings from my visions were quite intense, and this whole thing scares me a little, but I really need to find out what's going on."

I'm still not really sure what to make out of her visions, and how much of this to believe, but she has shown herself to be very level-headed and intelligent, so whatever it is, I doubt it's just a wild-goose chase. This is a little foreboding though, knowing that this could possibly be a real threat we could be going up against. Also, the fact that she has confessed her apprehensions is somewhat unsettling. Rather not wanting to dwell on these thoughts too much, I steer the conversation into other areas, talking about mostly inconsequential things which friends will sometimes ramble on about.

After awhile of this, the sky has become very dark and most of the stars have come out. In an inspiration of curiosity, I ask "Marissa, back on Earth, our ancestors used to look at the stars and make patterns out of them, fitting them in with stories and legends. Do you have that here, have you found pictures in the sky here?"

She seems very enthusiastic about my question. Yes indeed they have constellations on this world, and she's very eager to point some of the obvious ones out to me. They make about as much sense as our constellations, and in most instances they are pretty hard to see, and it's amazing to think that her forefathers had actually been able to construct images from those haphazard connections of dots and lines. In most cases, I'm not really able to see what she's trying to point out to me, but listening to her tell of the folklore behind them is quite fascinating.

It seems that for them, the constellations are based on myths from a long time ago, which no longer seem to be taken too seriously, but make wonderful stories. Listening to her describe all the colorful characters of the constellations, such as the brave warrior Kainoc doing battle with something akin to a dragon, is very captivating. She describes several stories and characters to me before we both fall into a peaceful sleep.

* * *

Marissa and I are walking, unfettered by our packs, through the open countryside, on a beautiful cloudless day, with the sun shining with perfect radiance in the deep-blue sky above. Walking along the sloping hillside, we come to rest beneath the shade of a single tree amidst a sea of grass blowing slightly in the gentle breeze.

Turning to look at me, with a compassionate, yet also eager smile on her face, she reaches out her black-furred hand and gently strokes my cheek. "You've been waiting for this for awhile, haven't you Ben?"

"Yes... I just didn't know if you were interested in me that way... I didn't know how to approach you."

"Well, I'm glad you finally said something... I was beginning to think I'd never get to do this." With that she quickly leans in and presses her furry muzzle against my lips, as my body melts against hers, our arms wrapping each other in a tight embrace.

Moving my arms across her back, I quickly locate her spine and slowly begin to traverse it's entire length. Her reactions to this come as quick pricks from her slightly-extended claws whenever I reach each particularly sensitive region.

Withdrawing her tongue from my mouth, and pulling away slightly from me, she tugs briefly at my shirt, wordlessly suggests that I should remove it. Helping me pull the fabric off over my head, she eagerly runs her hands along my exposed flesh.

Then in a instant of fluid discontinuity, the rest of our clothing has melted from our bodies, and she lies pressed against me, wrapping me in her furry warmth. Our movements start out slow, but quickly pick up speed, lost in a frenzy, as she purrs loudly in my ears.

And then, as quickly as it had started, the dream is finished, and I realize that I am once more conscious and back to reality. It isn't an abrupt awakening, more like a slow realization that I'm awake, but the last image in my mind is the fleeting remnants of the dream, further driving home the fact of how hopelessly smitten I am by Marissa.

Looking around, I see that she has already left for her morning hunt, and it's about the usual time when I awake. Lying amongst my bedding, I ponder just what I'm to do with this situation. I'm definitely attracted to her, there's no denying that... she's human enough, and yet exotic, to completely captivate me. However, part of the attraction is definitely with her personality too. She's definitely an intelligent and no-nonsense type of person, so I've got to handle this carefully. 'If I go ahead and blow it, things will be very difficult for the next few weeks...'

As I'm trying to decide just exactly what to do, Marissa returns once again from the woods with her fresh kill. Looking at me and smiling, she jokes "come on Ben, you've slept long enough... time to get out of bed."

Grinning back at her, hoping with what isn't too much of a forced smile, I throw back my bedding and rise to join her as she prepares our breakfast. My past experiences are definitely helping me deal with the situation, for today I'm able to watch the procedure without needing her help at calming my nerves and stomach. I'm still a little squeamish about watching it, but the uncontrollable feeling of nausea doesn't grip me like yesterday; things are much better today. In fact, tomorrow I may even try getting my hands dirty a little bit and help her out some.

When it comes time to remove the head, this still gets to me, as I hear its spine cracking, but even that isn't as bad the second time around. All in all, this seems to be something I'll be able to learn, as long as I take it slow.

After the meat is roasting above the fire, Marissa once again heads down to a secluded part of the river to wash up. Sitting there and watching her go, then disappear behind the trees and bushes, the temptation to watch her creeps in on me, and almost gets too much to resist. Imagining that since the water is deeper than yesterday, and she may decide to take a full bath, causes further problems. The mental images of her slowly removing every last stitch of clothing and then kneeling down in the river, running her soapy hands through her fur, is almost too much for me to take, but I manage to restrain myself.

The rest of the morning progresses normally, and is pleasant as usual, with breakfast, then donning our packs once again and heading off down the road. While walking along, we are engaged once again in light conversation, but my mind is somewhat preoccupied, debating just how I should handle my feelings for her. I'm nervous about making a move, since doing it too early could be disastrous, but then again if I wait too long, the window of opportunity might pass me by.

We stop for lunch in a small clearing off to the side of the road, which is a beautiful and picturesque setting, with the bright sun illuminating the soft grass and leaves of the trees in a slight golden glow. Looking at the small expanse of grass, and the shade of the trees nearby, I am briefly reminded of last night's romantic dream encounter.

Dropping our packs and heading down to the river, we kneel and drink handfuls of the cool sparkling water. Watching Marissa from the corner of my eyes, as she laps at the water with her tongue, I'm again amused by this display, and then realize just how exotic the sight of her tongue darting across the surface of the water is.

Then, in a moment of rashness, completely abandoning rational though, I decide that now is as good a time as any to make a move. Coming back to our packs, we retrieve our noontime rations and sitting back on the comfortably warm grass eat our lunch. Sitting there eating, trying to keep my calm, hoping she doesn't notice my nervousness, my mind is a jumble of chaotic thoughts, as I try to divine the perfect plan.

Finishing eating, I make no move to leave, instead lean back a little on the grass, trying to look as relaxed as possible. Looking up into the deep-blue sky with its puffy-white clouds, I simply state "this is such a beautiful place Marissa, and this is such a nice day... do you think we could stay here a while and just relax?"

Turning and smiling at me she replies "that would be nice... we aren't in any hurry, and we haven't had much rest these past few days."

As she leans back too, and slightly closes her eyes, soaking up the warmth of the sun, I hesitate slightly, gathering up my courage, then reach out a little tentatively and take her furry hand in mine. She opens her eyes a little wider to look at me, but doesn't seem surprised, and then smiles warmly once again, gently squeezing my hand.

Pausing briefly, searching for the best opening lines, I finally say softly "Marissa, you've been very patient and considerate with me these past few days, thank you for being so understanding and warm."

As I begin to slightly trace the fur on the back of her hand, she responds "Ben that's so kind... and you've been very understanding with me too... I was worried about how you would take all of this, but you have astounded me... I'm glad that I chose you for the trip..."

Lost in the warmth of her nearness, I continue to idly stroke her hand for a few minutes, before getting the inspiration and courage to make the next step. My shoulders had finally lost most of their soreness from bearing the weight of the packs, however, I hope that she might still have a little tenderness. "Does your back still hurt from carrying the pack? I know my shoulders really hurt for a couple of days... if you'd like, I could massage them like I did with your leg."

"That would be wonderful Ben..." she replies without any hint of surprise, and seems quite agreeable to the idea. "I still have a little soreness, it's not too bad though... but if you'd really like to do it, then I would certainly enjoy it."

Trying to contain my obvious excitement, I move behind her, then tracing my fingers slowly up her arms, enjoying the feel of her soft fur gliding beneath my skin. Reaching her shoulders, I begin massaging them, at first gently exploring their muscles, then getting in and working the soreness out of them. As I'm rubbing and kneading, her body begins to soften up, as she relaxes and leans forward, becoming just the slightest bit limp.

Continuing my ministrations, and giving attention to a wider area of her back, I gently rub my palms against her fur, still feeling it slightly through the fabric of her shirt. 'You know Marissa, this would be a little easier if you were to take that off...' Of course it is too early in the game to mention that out loud.

Running my hands along her back in circular motions, still paying a good deal of attention to her shoulders where the soreness lies, I also make sure to continue to widen the area of my explorations. By now she has become totally relaxed, almost like putty in my hands. As my hands roam the contours of her back, she lets out purrs, starting out barely audible, but reaching in volume until they are easily heard. As they become louder, they also become deeper and I can feel them lightly vibrating within her as I continue the massage.

Urged on by her obvious signs of enjoyment, becoming a little more daring, I start to navigate along her spine, tracing my fingers along it. Then moving outward, pay close attention to her lower back and sides. Stroking in circular motions, tracing down her sides, then up her spine and outward again to repeat the process; continuing to receive encouraging purrs from her.

As the minutes tick away, I am completely unaware of how much time is passing, lost in act of giving her pleasure and the thoughts of how well she is receiving my affections. Finally, deciding it's time to proceed to the next level, I gently take her shoulders and ease her back against me, to which she offers no complaints.

Then continuing my massage where I'd left off, I return to her sides, stroking up and down gently, urged on by her excited purrs. Leaning against her, I place my cheek next to hers, and am rewarded by her rubbing against it, further enclosing me in her warmth. Now with my body pressed against hers somewhat tightly, I can feel the full affect of her purrs, as each one comes gently rumbling from deep within her, sending light vibrations through both of us.

Guiding my hands to her lower abdomen, I continue the massage, rubbing in gentle circles, slowly expanding outward. Looking for any subtle signs of disapproval, I slowly work my way upward with one hand, yet still her purrs seem to be building. Then hesitating only slightly, I cross the bridge before me, making my intentions perfectly clear. As she's purring deeply, lost in ecstasy, I tenderly make contact with one of her supple breasts. Running along its bottom contour, then gently reaching up to stroke her nipple through the fabric of her shirt.

In what seems like only a spilt second, her demeanor quickly changes, as with a flash of emotion her body tenses up against mine. Almost instantly her purrs cease, as she grabs my arms and forces me away from her. Then in a fluid motion, she turns around hissing and throws me to the ground. Caught totally off guard, I try and grab at her blindly. This elicits a growl from her, as she roughly pushes my arms away. When I try to rise, she forces me back to the ground, swiping at me, clawing my cheek with her sharp and fully extended claws.

The intense pain is quickly forced out of my mind as I look up at her and se the wild state she's in. Her eyes are seething with anger, with her pupils constricted, as her ears are spread back and flattened out. Her face is contorted into a snarl, showing her sharp, carnivorous teeth.

Gazing up at her, once again feral, extremely dangerous, and more than capable of tearing my throat out, I'm frozen in her furious gaze. 'Shit! This is it isn't it... she's going to rip me apart... I should never have come along on this trip... How could I ever have found her attractive?'

As random neurons spasticly fire, flooding my mind with manic and terrifying thoughts, overloading my consciousness, I stare at her, waiting for her to strike. Once again time expands, as the moments stretch out forever, and I'm locked in the grips of her cold eyes, like a deer caught in the headlights.

When she finally does advance on me, the reality of what's about to happen snaps me out of my trance. Reacting quickly, putting my arms up defensively, I struggle to call on the power within me to channel the right flow of energy directed towards her. My concentration is shot though, and the wave of tranquillity I was hoping to flood her with only sputters as she makes contact.

Pushing aside my arms, she grabs my neck and pulls me forward, slightly forcing her claws into my tender flesh. Looking again into her eyes, they are beginning to soften and show a glimmering of thought in them. She has begun to exert pressure on my throat, but only slightly, hesitating for the moment. Taking advantage of this brief reprieve, I manage to gasp out "Marissa, I'm sorry..."

This seems to have some effect on her, as she loosens her grip and her eyes begin to soften even more, her pupils slowly returning to their natural size. Staring at me blankly for several moments, then blinking several times before realization finally flickers in her eyes, she then releases her grip on my neck. Letting out a brief sigh of relief, I'm again startled as she snaps to attention and darts her hand toward my cheek. Trying to pull back, she is too fast for me and her hand comes in contact with my stinging flesh. This time however, her claws are retracted and she pours healing energy from her fingers, knitting the torn flesh within seconds and stopping the pain.

Pulling her hand back from my face, she stares at me for another brief period of time, trying to make sense out of the situation, before finally speaking in a very concerned tone of voice. "Ben... are you okay?"

Not knowing what to make of this, how one moment she was ready to slice me wide open, and the next she's worried about my health, I stare blankly back at her. Not answering her question quick enough, she asks again, this time with more urgency. "Ben... are you okay... are you hurt anywhere else?"

Pausing just briefly, I answer in a bewildered voice, "yes... I think so... I think we've got some explaining to do..."

Sighing ever so briefly, she nods, and offering me her hand, helps me to a sitting position. "We definitely need to have a talk Ben... I'm sorry this had to happen, and if I had known you had those interests in me, I would have stopped this whole thing before it even started... but you caught me off guard."

"Caught you off guard?" I almost exclaim. "What do you mean caught you off guard? I think I gave you plenty of warning... and from the way you were acting, I thought that's what you wanted..."

Her eyes slightly glistening, she speaks softly to me with deep concern and compassion. "Ben... it's not what you think... I should have realized that you were touching me as more than a close friend, but I didn't think about it... How you were touching me... for you that was more than just as a friend wasn't it... you've been wanting to mate for a couple of days haven't you?"

Feeling my face heat up from the awkwardness of this discussion which I had forced upon myself, I lower my gaze slightly and answer a bit hesitantly. "Yes Marissa... I've been interested in you for the past few days... and I thought you might be interested in me too... I mean I thought the way you touched me meant something... Then when you let me go as far as you did with the massage, I figured you wanted me to go further..."

"How I was touching you, that is how we show affection for our closest friends. I was trying to make you feel more at ease by approaching you that way sooner than I might have if you were a felenzi. I just wanted to help you get used to things here... I didn't know you'd take it this way... Humans don't touch that way?"

"No... well not just friends. Usually when you touch someone in that way it means you're interested in something more... Even so, that doesn't explain why you let me touch you as intimately as you did... certainly that isn't something that friends do?"

Sighing again she responds, "actually it is... it's quite normal for close friends to massage and groom one another like that. We aren't that close, but I wanted to give you a chance and gave you a little leeway... Touching like that is perfectly normal, just as long as... certain areas are left alone... and you crossed the line there..."

"So you weren't the least bit aroused? I mean by the way you were purring, it seemed like you were having a pretty good time and didn't want me to stop."

"I was enjoying it Ben," her voice becoming ever-so-slightly harsh, "but you must not confuse simple physical pleasures with sexual arousal... it was extremely sensual, but by no means erotic... I don't know how it is with humans, but with us close physical contact between close friends does not inspire mating..." Then with her voice becoming softer once again, she continues. "I wish I had known you had these urges for me, then I would have been more reserved in my physical contact with you, and wouldn't have let you touch me that way... The massage was wonderful, but it wasn't worth all of this and almost causing you serious injury."

"That's another thing. Why did you jump on me like that... it was like the first day you were hunting all over again, but only worse. Dammit, I thought you were going to kill me for sure... I thought you said you had better control over your animal instincts than that."

"Normally I do, but you caught me off guard. If you had made your advances on me right away, I would have simply pushed you away and we could have talked about it right then, but instead you had to go an touch me like that first."

"What!" my voice sounding totally incredulous, "you would have rather had me jump on you than try and arouse you with foreplay?"

"Ben, I don't really know what you are talking about, but you've got to stop thinking like I'm a human... What I meant was that if you had just come right out in the open with your intentions, I would have been able to handle it better. Instead, I thought you were just giving me a simple grooming massage, and I lost myself in the wonderful sensations of it... I got caught up in the pleasure, which is somewhat similar to when I'm angry or hunting... What I mean is that when I'm under those situations, I don't think the same as I do now, I'm more instinctive."

"When you were touching me like that, I got lost in the sensual feelings of it, letting my mind simply enjoy it all. Then when you crossed the line and touched me where you shouldn't have, it set off a very strong reaction in me. I was already lost in the situation, so I didn't think it through, I just reacted. That's why I attacked you the way I did... I'm sorry for what happened. It was very unfortunate, but nobody's fault... I'm just glad that you were able to hold me at bay until I calmed down and came to my senses... You handled the attack very well, for not having any weapons to speak of. You definitely need more work on your magic, but even your jumbled spell helped to calm me some."

All that she's just explained to me still hasn't been totally assimilated, but the idea of her acting solely on instinct is quite a scary thought and doesn't sit well with me. However, even with all of the confusion I'm feeling, there is still my underlying attraction, and now is as good as time as any to get everything out in the open. Hesitating briefly, trying to word this as best as possible, I finally reply "So now that you know my feelings for you, even if I expressed them in a bad way, do you have at least have some of these feelings for me... is there some way we can work things out? I can go a lot slower if you want..."

Looking sadly at me, she answers in a kind voice "No Ben... I'm sorry, but I don't feel that way about you. You are a wonderful travel companion, and I think you'll make a wonderful friend... but I'm sorry, but I just don't see you as a mate."

No matter how gently she tells me this, it still feels as if she's taken a sledge hammer to the pit of my stomach, knocking the wind out of me. As I sit there stunned by hearing yet another version of "you're a nice person... as a friend" speech, she continues. "I don't know what humans do when it comes to mating Ben, but I can tell you it must be a lot different from us... I have no interest in you as a mate, and I hope you can deal with that... When I choose to mate, it will be with a felenzi, one of my choosing. I'll probably try and choose a suitable male from my own racial background, with fur patterns similar to mine, but the fact remains that I'll mate when I'm ready and not before."

Not being able to take any more of this, fighting back urge to cry or scream or do something to release this stress within me, I simply mutter "I need to be alone," and stagger down to the river. Making sure I'm far out of her view, I collapse to a sitting position with my head in my hands. As the hot tears of frustration, betrayal, and unrequited love begin to sting my eyes, my mind becomes a jumble of thoughts yet again. 'Way to go Romeo... you really swept her off your feet didn't you... What the hell did you expect trying to seduce a fucking cat?! Maybe you should have loosened her up with a little bit of catnip?'

These bitter thoughts give way more to self pity, as I realize that it's not her fault, and I'm just doomed to deal with this situation, one I seem to have no control over. 'Why did I have to act so quickly? Why couldn't I have just told her how I felt? I feel like such an idiot... how am I going to face her again? I don't know if I can... Here I am stuck here with her for another three and a half weeks... stuck with someone I'm hopelessly in love with, and she won't even try to give me a chance... Why is it that whenever someone says you're such a wonderful and nice guy... they always only mean as a friend? At least she didn't say "you're a sweat person, and will definitely make someone happy someday... just not me..." I don't know, what the hell am I going to do?'

Sitting there wallowing in sorrow and self pity for what probably is fifteen minutes or so, I am finally jerked back to reality as I feel a familiar furry hand touch me briefly on my shoulder. Jumping to attention, I turn to look into Marissa's concerned eyes as she kneels beside me. I blurt out "please don't touch me" before giving it any thought, and a hurt look flashes across her face as she quickly withdraws her hand.

"I'm sorry Ben... I just wanted to help you... Neither of us meant this to happen, and we need to get through it."

Feeling a little guilty I reply, "I know... it's just that it's a lot for me to take... I can't deny the way I feel about you, and it's going to be hard dealing with it... I just don't think I can handle you touching me like that, at least not right now... I know it doesn't mean as much to you as it does to me, but it still has more meaning for me than you want it to..."

"I know... I'll try and be more understanding from now on... are you feeling a little better now?" Wiping my red eyes, I silently nod. "That's good... I wish there was some way I could help you Ben, but I can't feel the way you want me to... If you want to talk about it more, I'm willing to listen though, and I'm willing to help, as long as you know where I draw the line."

Regaining my composure, I finally stand up and simply state, "thanks, but right now I still need to figure things out for myself... We might as well get back on the road though." She looks at me with worry and concern, but agrees seeing as I need to be alone with my thoughts now. We put on our packs and once more head down the road.

The rest of the afternoon she is very silent, letting me work things out by myself. I manage to work through most of the anger and see it for the irrational lashing out that it was. However, the pain of her rejection is still deep within me and will take some time to fully deal with. Intellectually I can understand her reasons for not being attracted to me, but emotionally I'm unable to accept it, wishing she would just give me a chance to show her how nice I could be.

By the time we stop for the night, I'm emotionally exhausted. Not even bothering to wash up, I simply change shirts and slump down on my bedroll, wishing I could just sink into oblivion. Marissa watches me with a pained and heartfelt look on her face, hesitating as if not sure what to say. Then finally speaking softly to me with great compassion, she says "Ben, I'm sorry for what happened today, and I feel partly responsible for putting you through this... but I can't be what you want me to be, and you're going to have to accept that..." Hesitating again, she finally adds "do you want to continue with your studies tonight, or would you rather not?"

"No... I think it might help me to get my mind off things for a bit..." Sitting up, she comes and sits besides me as usual and tentatively takes my hand, as if unsure how her touch will affect me. Surprisingly this isn't too hard for me to deal with, I am so emotionally numb that it really has no effect on me. Concentrating on my lessons is somewhat hard, given the mental disarray that I'm in, but she is very patient with me and doesn't push me too far. In the end I haven't really learned much this time, but it did help me to forget about the situation for awhile and feel a little better.

After dinner, which is eaten in a uncomfortable silence, I am totally exhausted, and fall into bed even before the sun has completely set. I figured I wouldn't be able to sleep, but I'd been through so much and am so tired, that I'm out within minutes, and graciously my sleep isn't plagued by wrenching dreams. Instead my mind falls into the temporary oblivion I had so longed for.

* * *

In the morning, upon first waking I feel much better, but then remember the predicament I've found myself in. This day, and the others to follow are extremely tough on me, trying to accept the fact that no matter what, Marissa will never feel the way I want her to about me. I try and find comfort in the fact that at least our friendship seems repairable, but it doesn't seem like much consolation at the time. She is very considerate about my feelings, and we have a few talks on the matter, but at times even this doesn't help. A few times I find myself feeling angry and her for spurning me so, then feeling incredibly guilty for these unfair thoughts.

In the end, I'm somewhat able to come to terms with it. I've had to deal with this situation a few times before, and although usually would try and distance myself from that individual, at least I somewhat know how to handle it. I still have those feelings and urges within me, but for the most part they're under control. I have another couple of romantic dreams involving Marissa, which threaten the situation, but again they're painful but manageable.

The next few days are somewhat awkward between the two of us, but we manage to pull through, and even become a little closer platonicly because of it. Perhaps I'll be able to learn to fully accept what I have with her, and not ache for more.

As a plus, in order to help forget about the problem, I throw myself into my magic studies, and make several small leaps of progress. Now lighting a fire is perfectly within my reach, although it still takes a good bit of concentration, and I'm also beginning to master the skills of other spells, such as healing, tranquillity and energy projection.

As for hunting, I've thrown myself into that too, and after a couple of days actually start helping out with the cleaning process. It's still pretty gross, but I can get all the way through it without gagging, so I'm definitely improving. I've also grown somewhat fond of pantouka meat, maybe because it's one of the two sources of meat we have available to us, but it does have an interesting taste to it, once you learn to appreciate it.

On our journey, we come across another traveler on the sixth day. He too is driving an oxen-driven carriage, but his demeanor is much better than our first acquaintance. He is surprised to see me, but much more amiable, asking questions, but polite ones. We stop and talk with him for several minutes, and he seems quite fascinated that I'm from another world and asks several questions, such as how I can speak their language so well, and so on. In the end it's a very positive experience, and I hope he is more of an example of how an average felenzi will react to me than was the first traveler.

Finally at the end of our seventh day on the road, just as I was running out of clean clothes, we reach the town Marissa had spoke of so many days ago. Walking towards it, it's obvious that it's much smaller and not as well-kept as her home town, but any sign of civilization is welcome. I'm a bit nervous about what we might encounter there, but am also looking forward to the prospect of sleeping in an inn with a real bed and taking a decent bath.


Copyright 1994, Will A. Sanborn - was1@shore.net