"Mmmmmgggrble... Flllllllp... Ssssssssssssssst..." The low mumbling sound grew louder in my ear as I was slowly dragged back from unconsciousness. My mind was well trained at sleeping through the chatter of the morning DJs on the clock radio, so I was slow to respond.
Again more sibilant sounds drifted through my half-sleepy mind, as I did my best to ignore it. It wasn't until a few moments later when I heard the low, raspy voice whisper "I like eggs." that I decided, was something I needed to pay attention to.
I came awake with a start, much better than my usual morning's performance, and when my bleary eyes opened I was shocked to see a small, twisted figure kneeling on the foot of my bed. I gave a scream that must've been loud enough to wake the neighbors. The creature shook itself slightly at my outburst, flexing its back away from me, then rocking itself back and forth on its haunches.
Sweet merciful crap, what the hell was going on? I stared back at the nasty little bugger as it regarded me with a mostly-vacant expression. It appeared to be about a foot tall, though it was hard to tell with it hunched over. Its skin was a murky, greenish-brown and it glistened slightly in the dim light coming in through my bedroom curtains. It wore no clothes, but thankfully it appeared to be genderless. Not that I was taking long looks in that direction mind you, I'm not that twisted, dammit.
Man, my head hurt, not just from fear, but from the hangover. Then it hit me, we'd been drinking last night. That wasn't a good sign. As I watched the abomination squatting only a few feet away from me, I put my mind through some serious gymnastics as I searched the hazy memories from the previous evening at the pub.
'Slow Demon.' The phrase hit me all of a sudden, and I was stuck with a new sense of panic. I looked over to my night stand and there it was. "Oh fuck" I muttered when I saw the book, talking to myself, not for the benefit of my guest. His lips quivered slightly at my words though, and I saw a small smile curling on them.
Dammit, what had we been thinking? We'd only taken a couple of magic courses at the night-school, we shouldn't have even been messing around with the Necronomicon until we'd at least started Intermediate Summoning. Joel had found the book in Madam Zim's second-hand shop and had been instantly drawn to it. I should've known better than to even look at it when he'd shown me the damn thing, but get a couple of chocolate daiquiris in me and I get pretty drunk and stupid. Not like it's that far of a stretch, some might say, but that's the trouble of being a cheap date. Usually it makes it easier to have fun, but last night it had apparently gotten me into trouble.
It had seemed like a fun idea at the time, and we'd both been too buzzed to think better against using that accursed tome for party games. We'd both taken turns reading spells from it, laughing at our mangled pronunciations. It'd seemed harmless, as we fumbled the words to much to get anything. We only read from the "safe" sections of the book anyway, if there was such a thing. Damn, I was lucky I'd only managed to conjure up a minor demon, instead of the something really nasty like a soul-lizard or a blue meanie. Still, why couldn't I have gotten lucky and wound up with a triple-breasted leather succubus? Beggars, or in my case, idiots, couldn't be choosers though, and now I was stuck with the disgusting little pest. until I could find some way to dispose of it.
I slowly reached out for the book, keeping the beast in my peripheral vision. It kept on watching me, slowly rocking back and forth, its large puke-colored eyes fixed on me. As soon as I touched the Necronomicon, the spell was broken. As if it sensed the magic from the item, it broke out of the trance it had appeared to be in and stood up to a half-crouching position. "I like eggs." it muttered again, then turned and jumped off my bed.
I was quick to follow, taking the book with me. The demon hadn't gone far though, it was standing only a few feet from my bed. It'd starting poking through the detritus of literature I had stacked against the wall, and when I looked down at it, I was shocked to see it was leafing through one of my Playboys.
It let out a gurgle from its half-open mouth as it stared slack jawed at Miss July. "Maaaaaaa. I like."
"Don't even say it!" I yelled at the infernal creature. I was just about as taken aback as it was when I saw it react. The demon dropped the magazine, but after a couple of moments of staring at the carpet with a vacant expression, it waddled over to the next pile and started leafing through my comics.
"Mmmmmm, pretty foxy." it mumbled. I felt my stomach jolt at seeing the infernal beast going through my private stuff. I certainly didn't need any demons, minor or otherwise, seeing my guilty pleasures.
"That does it" I said again, my voice harsh and irritated, as I swung my feet out of bed. I didn't know what I was going to do, but right now smacking it with the same magic book which had brought it into existence seemed like a good enough idea. It was only a minor demon after all, it couldn't be that dangerous.
It was too quick for me though and easily dodged my swing. In a flash it bounced out the room. Its movements might look awkward, but it could certainly get going when it wanted to. Sadly 'Slow Demon' didn't refer to its manner of locomotion, but its mental capabilities. I heard it as it bounded down the stairs, proclaiming its love for a certain breakfast food all the way. Why had I been so damn stupid? I was going to get Joel for this. somehow.
I stumbled after him, now feeling more awake, but my mind still reeling from the strange situation. Maybe I wasn't cut out in dabbling in the occult after all. When I got down stairs I saw the little bugger sitting in my living room, entertaining itself with the contents of my movie shelf. "I like eggs, I like eggs," it chanted as it tossed up random DVDs, chortling at the mayhem it was creating.
I stood there for a couple of moments just looking at the mess and fuming. I was going to kill the bastard. I didn't know how, but the little abomination of nature was going to pay. I almost started advancing on the vile pest when a thought hit me. I put the magic book down on the couch, that would make it easier to deal with if it didn't see that as a threat. Instead I slowly bent down to retrieve my cell phone from my briefcase.
I kept my eyes on it as I punched in the numbers. It had noticed me, but was still entertained by punishing my movie collection, so for the moment it paid me little heed. That gave me the time I needed to connect to the server. I breathed a sigh of relief, glad that I'd decided to upgrade my plan to the broadband connection. Only a few seconds more and I thought I'd have what I needed. I was almost there, yes that was the link I needed, and then I'd managed to call up the required information. It had been a good idea to bookmark that site.
I casually stepped forward, moving slow enough so as to not appear menacing. The demon stopped tossing the DVDs around and looked up at me. It didn't stop its mantra though. "I like eggs" it said, now looking at me with an almost quizzical expression on its dull face.
"Yes, I gather that" I said with a smile, trying to make it look as far from sarcastic as possible. "Would you like to have some?"
"Eggggggs?" it asked, its slack jaw hanging open, a strand of drool hanging from its lower lip.
"Yes, I've got a bunch of them. let's see, grade A, special browns. uh, even a few ostrich eggs. I bet you'd like some of those." My smile widened, in spite of my best intentions, but it didn't seem to notice. Instead it just gawked at me.
It then bobbed its head up in down in a slow nod as if it was transfixed by the notion of actually getting what it'd been yammering all about. "I... like... eggs..." it spoke in a slow drawl. I definitely had the little bastard's attention.
"Right this way," I said as I stepped past it, leading the demon into my kitchen. We reached the fridge and when I opened the door the beast poked its head inside, its greedy maw open just about as wide as it could get it. I tried not to look at the yellow-brown teeth its gaping mouth revealed. At least I was lucky it was so low to the ground and my sense of smell was lessened from the cold I had. I could just imagine how much the animated lump of slime must smell.
"Where eggs?" it asked as it surveyed the random contents of my refrigerator.
"Oh, they're in the back," I said, trying to keep my voice steady, not wanting to have my ruse discovered too quickly. "They're hidden because they're so special." I hoped that'd be enough to fool it, and it probably would, given its miniscule mental power.
"Ooooooo" it let out of its open mouth as a greasy tongue slid over those rotting teeth.
"Go on, get right in there. they're just behind the hard cider, way in the back."
That was all the coaxing the creature needed. It climbed up onto one of the metal racks and pulled its whole slimy body inside. I was quick to slam the door behind it and as I heard the squeals of disappointed rage from inside, I braced myself against the fridge.
It wasn't very strong at least, and I was able to keep it in there, at least for a little while. I hoped that was all I'd need. I looked down at my cell phone and read the page I'd called up again. It was a simple spell, in fact I was a little surprised at how easy it was going to be.
I ripped off the few magnets and pieces of artwork I had on the front of the door, then I wet my fingers with my tongue and began to trace a pentagram on the fridge. It took a few applications of spit to do it, but that was the least of the disgusting things I was dealing with.
Once I had the shape laid down, I repeated the words I saw on the phone's display. "Klatu Verrata Nicktu" I said in a deliberate tone. At least my pronunciation was correct this morning.
I felt the fridge start to shake and I held it down as best I could. In less than a minute the tremors died down and then stopped. It was gone, but I knew better than to open the door and make sure, not just yet. If I did open the door, I'd run the risk of setting off the fire alarm with all the dust that'd fly out. I'd need to give it at least an hour to settle down and let the residual magic dissipate.
I used a lock charm on the door, it was one of the few spells I'd already committed to memory, and once again I found it quite useful. I'd have to thoroughly clean the fridge when things had calmed down. I'd also reduced all of my groceries to carbon cinders, so I'd need to hit the supermarket on a Saturday. I didn't want to think about it right then though. I still had a hangover and I was going to go back to bed, the mess could wait until later.
I was feeling pretty good about that decision, and happy with myself
with how I'd managed to get rid of the pest. My spirits dropped as stopped
into the bathroom to get a drink and visit the toilet though. My toothbrush
was lying discarded in the bottom of the sink and it was covered in a slimy
brown film. Damn, that was one more thing I'd need to pick up at the store,
as well as a couple of stink beetles, a thank-you present for Joel.
Copyright 2002, Will A. Sanborn - was1@shore.net