I got home early, as I do this time every month, getting in just at night fall, before the moon has come up. I've done it for so long now that the routine has become engrained in me, I hardly even need to look at the calendar to count out the phases of the moon anymore. Once again, it's passed through all its cycles, and its coming fullness leaves me hidden away in the house.
Getting home, I quickly drew all the blinds, shutting myself away from the wandering eyes of any chance passerby. I've done my best to get away from people as much as possible, but I still have a couple of neighbors. They've never said anything to me about my monthly seclusion, but they must know there's something strange about me. For now, their diplomatic silence on the subject is a small blessing for me, at least giving the illusion of my affliction going undetected.
They must find it strange that I'm never outside on the nights of the full moon though, for even the most reclusive soul ventures outside occasionally. Not me though, I keep to the safe seclusion of my house, never leaving, lest someone should see the shape I'm in during the times of the changing. If they did see me, I'm never sure what exactly would happen, but I imagine there'd be plenty of mistrust and disbelief as they all looked at me, and likely even some fear and the possibility for violence. People aren't used to anything that's different, and on nights like this, I certainly fall into that category, falling quite sharply into it in fact.
No, I figured out long ago that during the times of the change, it was best for me to keep myself hidden. I don't trust people enough to be able to deal with what I am. It's not that I blame them really, it's taken me so long to try and come to terms with it myself. It's still not something I'm totally comfortable with, even now, and if the situation were reversed and I was one of the normal ones finding about myself, I know I'd be shocked. I still have nightmares about possible confrontations, even after all these years.
It's a lonely life, but it feels necessary to me. I don't want to trust people to see me like that, especially given the vulnerability it brings upon me. Sighing to myself as I steal furtive glances at the moon through the windows, I wish again that it didn't have to be this way. I wish I didn't have to be like this. How nice it would be not to have to fear the coming of the full moon, to have my life ruled so harshly by its monthly cycle. Not being different, I'd be allowed to find someone to share my life with too, instead of having to shy away from most personal contact, fearful of getting too close to someone and accidentally revealing my dark secret to them.
It would be so nice to be able to run outside unhindered on nights like this. Feeling that animal power rushing through my veins as the change overtook me, reveling in the power of the moon bestowed upon me, instead of having to be its prisoner, locked away fearful in my house. I dream of that some nights too, of running free in the fields lit up in the silvery glow, the bright moon overhead shining down happily upon me. I dream of finding kindred spirits who were lost to me from all these years of isolation. I would finally join them, all of us shifting into our animal forms, sharing the glory of the nocturnal pack as we ran along, howling a happy chorus into the night.
I felt my eyes heating up as those thoughts stole over me yet again, the familiar feelings assaulting me. I've repeated the scene countless times, and as the moon climbed higher in the night sky, I was doomed to live through it once again. Checking my watch, even though it's unnecessary, I confirmed my now-infallible feelings, that it was about to begin. The changing time was almost upon us again.
Sighing, I closed my eyes, tearing my view away from the moon peaking in between the crack in the curtains. Standing there for a few moments in silence, I wished with all my heart that this curse would be lifted from me, that my life could be normal. It's so unfair that I have to suffer alone like this. The time was almost here, please let it be different, don't let me suffer with this imperfect body any longer. Please, oh please, let it be different this time.
I stood there for several minutes, trying to force my breathing to be slow and regular, meditating on my wild hopes. But I knew it was all in vain, I'd been through this so many times before, there was no secret mantra, no force of will that could save me from my fate. There was no magic spell that could make my body right. Still, for a second or two there, I almost thought I felt a shiver ripple through me. Wishful thinking was all it was, and it passed quickly, with no tangible results, leaving me as I'd been before.
Finally, choking back a sob as the futility of the situation crashed
over me once again, I opened my eyes. Another month had come, and once
again nothing could be done for me and my situation. Opening the blinds of
the window slightly, to stare out into the night, I was greeted with the
unwanted sight of my reflection in the dark glass. There staring back at me
was my plain, everyday face, my flat visage, pale skin bereft of fur, my
body unchanged. Warm tears trailed down my naked cheek as I caught sight of
one of my neighbors just emerging from his house, his body shifted into its
lupine form, silver fur shining in the moonlight. Once again I was left
alone in the night, never to know the joy of the change, never to feel the
power of the animal shifting, never to know the comradely of the moonlit
pack. Why did I have to be like this, why am I the only one that's different?
Copyright 2001, Will A. Sanborn - was1@shore.net