In the morning I wake up a bit abruptly, but not
nearly so as the morning before, this time understanding the source
of the faint sounds of the hunt drifting through the woods. Checking
my watch, it reads 11:43, although it's only about an hour or
so after sunrise. 'Damn, their days must be longer than ours,'
I muse, suddenly realizing why my watch had been acting so screwy
the past two days. 'It must be over twenty-six hours. So I've
been getting an hour or so extra sleep a night... well that's
pretty neat. That would explain why I feel a little more rested,
that and the fact that I've been sleeping like a log since I've
been so tired from all of the hiking.'
Sitting on my bedroll and waiting, the sounds in
the woods become louder, and I soon hear the final still-somewhat
blood-curdling howl as Marissa finishes her prey. Trying to prepare
myself for whatever condition she might be in, I rise and scan
the woods a little nervously, watching for her to come into view.
After a couple of minutes, her footsteps become audible, gaining
in intensity, as her form soon appears and she emerges from the
forest.
As with yesterday, she has blood spattered on her
hands, shirt and muzzle. However, this time she isn't as messy,
as if some care was taken to keep herself clean while doing the
killing. Walking towards me, holding out another fallen pantouka,
she smiles at me with satisfaction and warmth. Today she looks
more in control, not as feral as she was before. There is still
some definite wildness to her, but she no longer gives the impression
that she might mistake me for a source of protein; perhaps I'm
just a little more prepared for her actions.
"Good morning Ben. I hope this isn't too frightening
for you this morning. Did you sleep well last night?"
Still a little shaken at seeing her like this again,
I reply "Yes I did, I've been sleeping pretty well these
past couple of nights, I think from working so hard during the
day... Did you have a good hunt?"
"Yes I did. Thanks for asking... You look a
lot better than you did at this time yesterday. Would you like
to try and learn a little bit about cleaning the kill, or would
you rather not? It's up to you, and I don't want to push you into
this... I won't think anything less of you if you don't want to
do it."
Hesitating a moment, trying to decide this answer
for myself, I finally respond with "yes, I think I would
like to try. I know I can't do any of it today... That's too big
a step for me, my stomach's still a little weak. But I would like
to try and watch you clean it, and see how long I can last."
"Very well," she answers, "let's get
to work."
Sitting down on the grass, with me next to her, she
pulls out her knife from one of her pockets and again goes to
work, first slitting the pantouka's front wide open. Then as before,
she reaches into its belly and begins extracting all of the entrails.
Watching her perform this operation, I struggle to maintain control
over my stomach as it slowly twists and squirms. 'It's okay, it's
only meat... just a little fresher than you're used to' I think,
trying to reassure myself, which doesn't seem to be working all
that well.
Halfway through the procedure, she looks up at me
and is a concerned by the expression on my face. "Ben, are
you going to be okay?"
"I think so... I'm gonna try and make it all
the way through," I pant.
Smiling warmly at me, and with great respect and
admiration, I feel her reassuring power wash over me, stabilizing
my condition. As my nausea comes under control, it seems as if
I'll be able to make it through this after all. Feeling gratitude
for this simple act of kindness, and wishing to express myself,
I remember how she had lightly touched me yesterday during our
discussion before lunch.
Looking into her eyes and reaching up a bit nervously,
I take my hand and rub the backs of my fingers through the soft
downy fur of her cheek, avoiding her whiskers which might be sensitive,
and the blood on her muzzle. She acts a little surprised by my
actions, but does not shy away as I softly stroke her cheek. "Thank
you Marissa. You have been very patient with me, and it really
means a lot to me..." Then actually realizing what I'm doing,
I quickly add, "this is okay, isn't it?"
She answers me first by rubbing her cheek against
the back of my hand and softly purring, then finally speaking.
"Yes Ben, this is okay, and I'm touched by your thankfulness.
We are friends, and this is a sign of affection... but right now
we really need to get back to this," as she points down to
the carcass in front of us. Being jerked back to reality, I nod
and remove my hand, making sure to run my fingers through her
fur just once more. Then it is back to the task at hand.
The rest of the cleaning is about the same. I do
pretty well through the rest of the gutting, but when it comes
time to remove the fur, the queasiness starts setting in again.
As she cuts along the fur and rips it and the skin off from the
body, with somewhat of a ripping sound, I feel my stomach tightening
again. Making a few gagging sounds alerts her to my condition,
and again she takes time to ease me back to a comfortable level
where I can watch the proceedings.
The final task is removing the head, which poses
a little difficulty, since her knife has a bit of time cutting
through the bone. She has to hack it for a bit, and then rock
the head back and forth, twisting slightly, all the while causing
some cracking sounds. This is pretty difficult for me, and I can't
watch all of it, but as with the rest of this ordeal, it's over
in due time.
After it is all over with, about ten minutes or so,
it really wasn't too bad in retrospect, having seen it once, I
think tomorrow I will be able to handle it a lot better. It's
still pretty gross, but that's just because it's so strange and
new to me; I'm sure I can learn to deal with this. It'll be difficult,
but I'll manage, I always have before.
We bury the skin, fur, head and entrails using a
shovel we brought, and then set the meat roasting on a spit on
the fire. I try again to make the fire, with a bit more success
than last night, but I still need Marissa's help. Once breakfast
is cooking, she heads down toward the river to wash up, and I
head into the woods to answer nature's call.
Before coming back to camp, I head towards the stream
to wash my hands. However, upon coming within sight of the water,
I am astounded to see Marissa a little distance away, bending
down at the stream and washing herself. I duck quickly behind
a tree, sure she hasn't seen me, since I'm a good bit in the woods,
but also close enough to see her somewhat clearly. I had completely
forgotten that she would be washing up at the stream, and do not
wish to disturb her. However, there are forces within me that
can't let this opportunity pass untaken advantage of.
Peeking around the trunk of the tree, I look at her
once again, and although I shouldn't be doing this, take in the
full aspects of the scene before me. She is kneeling down by the
edge of the shallow stream, with her shirt off and her beautiful
spotted fur exposed to the air.
Unfortunately she has her back mostly toward me,
so my view is fairly restricted, but even the contours of her
back are quite pleasing to my eye. As I watch, slightly gasping,
she takes the cake of soap in her hands and rubs softly at the
blood in the fur on her forearms and hands. Then moving up to
her face, she tackles the blood stuck to her muzzle.
Sitting there feeling somewhat depraved at spying
on her like this, but definitely unable to turn away, I patiently
watch as she finally finishes with her face and turns her attentions
to she spots of blood that much have soaked through her shirt
and onto her fur. Watching with my pulse quickening, she lathers
up her hands and brings them out of my view, washing her chest
and abdomen.
Watching her bathe like this is so hypnotizing, as
a million thoughts race through my head. 'Damn what I would give
to be there helping her with that.' Part of me even wishes to
step out of the woods and announce my presence, but again rational
thought and shyness win out against my nefarious urges. There
is also part of my conscious that feels extremely guilty for watching
this spectacle before me. 'I feel like a raging teenager again...
I really shouldn't be watching her like this... but how could
I pass up a chance like this one?'
Finally she finishes bathing, and rinses herself
off with handfuls of water, then turns her attention to cleaning
out her blood-soaked shirt. Then the realization that she is almost
finished hits me and jars me from my hormonal trance. Backing
up very slowly, so as to not alert her to my presence, I retreat
deeper into the woods and finally turn and head for the campsite,
thankful that the sound of the running water must have been enough
to cover my soft footsteps.
Getting back to the fire, the smell of the pantouka
is very pleasing to my hungry stomach. Sitting there in front
of the fire, I try and forget what has just happened, so as not
to expose myself as the lecher I feel that I am when Marissa returns
from the stream. Now that my arousal has died down, guilt has
risen up to take it's place. 'How could I have let myself do that...
to take advantage of that situation... I thought I respected her
more than that...'
I beat myself up like that for several minutes until
she finally walks up from the stream. Trying my best to disguise
my feelings, I look up at her a little nervously. She may have
noticed this, but if she did she must have written it off as me
still being a little uneasy about the whole hunting and cleaning
situation.
Luckily by the time she returns from bathing, the
meat is fully cooked, and we can begin breakfast. Today I am more
at ease with the idea of eating freshly-killed meat, which I had
seen prepared so thoroughly. The meat is still tough and not as
palatable as typical American cuisine, but it's also not that
bad. The stringy texture still gets to me, and it's a bit tough
to chew, but I find myself getting acclimated to it's taste. It
would be nice to have fried eggs and bacon, or pancakes, or an
egg mcmuffin, but for the while pantouka meat and fresh fruit
will do.
We eat mostly in silence, mostly because of our hunger
than for anything else. I'm feeling a little uncomfortable, but
am able to disguise it well and Marissa doesn't seem to pick up
on this. Part way through the meal she asks me how it tastes today
and I reply that I'm getting more used to it and may even soon
learn to love its taste.
After breakfast, we pack quickly and are once more
off along the dirt road, drawing slowly nearer to our destiny.
Making sure to match pace with Marissa, and at all times to keep
even with her, or even slightly ahead, so I won't be tempted to
let my eyes wander over her as we walk, I try and make conversation
to keep my mind of my current problem.
This diversion works fairly well, as we talk away
the miles and I begin to feel a little more at ease once again.
Our conversation is very fluid and flows from topics quite naturally.
We further discuss our home worlds, trying to help the other get
a firmer grasp of our daily lives. She has me explain my research
a little further, listening excitedly as I once again tell her
of our modern marvels.
Then the discussion works its way to their technology,
with her explaining just how advanced their scientific and engineering
fields have become. My original estimation of a mid-1800's technology
level is fairly accurate, and as I ponder this with my scientific
curiosity, several thoughts surface. At first I realize just how
primitive their world is compared to the level of luxury I'm accustomed
to. Of course I don't mention this out loud, not wishing to offend
her, but it's quite obvious that there are several things that
I take for granted, which are missing in our current situation.
The most prominent one of course is the decent lack
of bathroom facilities out here in the wilderness. All things
considered however, I think I'm managing okay, learning to use
the woods like I'd been doing for the past two days. It's been
quite some time since I'd been camping as a boy scout and I had
forgotten just exactly what "roughing it" meant.
Even though decent plumping is lacking, and I'm suffering
mild withdrawal symptoms from information exchange on the internet,
this is beautiful country, and it's very nice to just be able
to relax a bit and not have to worry about research deadlines.
The workout I'm getting is nice too, feeling myself becoming a
little more strengthened each day. I was in fairly decent shape
before this trip, and after it, should be incredibly fit. My muscles
still hurt a little bit, but they are getting used to what I'm
forcing them to endure.
It's also nice to be traveling alone here with Marissa.
Even neglecting my obvious attraction to her, she is a wonderful
traveling companion and is teaching me more than I ever could
have dreamed of learning. Thinking about this I once more labor
on the subject of my mixed feelings toward her. On one hand I'm
extremely happy with how our friendship is progressing and how
patient and compassionate she has been toward me. Not wanting
to jeopardize this, it's hard to deal with the fact that my hormones
are definitely turned up a notch or two.
Still feeling rather guilty for watching her bathe
this morning, I try and suppress some of these thoughts. It's
obvious that I'm going to have to deal with this sooner or later,
but I have no idea how she's going to react. 'She must be somewhat
interested in me, just going by how she's touched me, and let
me touch her... but how can I be sure just how interested she
is? If I make a move now and it's too soon, it could make things
really difficult making a mistake now...'
Trying not to dwell on these thoughts for too long
at a time, I throw myself back into the conversation, passing
the time happily with her. For most of the time, things seem to
be going great, as long as I don't try to over analyze the situation
and completely plan out every next move; going with the flow seems
to work quite well, and time passes very quickly.
After lunch, we finally meet the first traveler we'd
seen on the road. It had been about two days since I'd dealt with
anyone besides Marissa, and I wasn't exactly prepared for the
encounter. Back in town, people knew and respected Marissa, so
seeing her walking with this strange creature, something vaguely
reminiscent of a shaved ape, they had been surprised, but had
politely kept their distance. The individual whom we met up with
didn't extend this courtesy to us however.
Seeing the cart approaching from the distance, and
becoming a little nervous, I wait the few minutes it takes for
us to meet up with it. The cart is a little bigger than the typical
horse-driven carriages I remember seeing in the movies and television,
and instead of horses, it is being pulled by two oxen-like creatures.
They closely resemble oxen, both of them being jet black, but
they are bigger than their Earth counterparts, both of them coming
up to head level, looking very massive and intimidating.
This cart is stacked in back with crates and barrels
of supplies and is driven by a large and strapping cougar, easily
several inches above six feet tall. Watching us as he approaches,
he slows to a stop as we meet him and quietly looks us over, resting
his piercing gaze on me as he sizes up this strange aberration
standing before him. It seems his oxen are a bit surprised by
my appearance too, as one of them snorts rather loudly, sending
a quick spasm of shivers down my spine.
Finally deciding someone must break the silence,
gathering up my courage, I stammer a "hello," with my
voice cracking ever so slightly. Introductions and new situations
have always been a little hard on me given my slight shyness,
and the intensity of this confrontation is enough to rattle my
cage.
"Hello there yourself" the driver replies
with a very cold and gruff manner, still staring at me as if trying
to decide what should be done with this nervous little creature
lacking any real fur to speak of. Then turning to Marissa he asks
"good day ma'am, it's certainly curious to see someone like
yourself traveling out here... and what are you doing with the
likes of him, whatever type of beast he might be?"
Replying rather calmly to this, all she says is "our
journey is of no importance to you... and my friend here is a
human from a land far away. This is all you need to know, and
we only wish to continue or journey without any interference from
you."
"No need to get so defensive... I meant no harm...
it's just that he's rather funny-looking and I didn't know what
to make of him... Until he spoke I thought he might have been
a pet of yours..."
This is too much for me to take, as my fear quickly
turns into anger at being treated this way. Usually I might not
make a stand, but something within me, possibly the knowledge
of my newfound talent, gives me a push. Being determined not to
take this abuse from this furry redneck, and concentrating on
building the power within me, I quickly raise my hand and disperse
a small flash of light.
Catching the cougar's attention, I then inform him
of my status, staring coldly at him. "I can assure you that
I'm here on my own free will, and no matter how different I may
look, I don't think you should talk to me this way." My speech
is rather sharp and my actions quick and not well thought out.
I quickly realize that my rash actions may not have
been the brightest idea, as his face contorts into a partial snarl,
his ears flatten and his gaze narrows. "I was talking to
the lady here, not to you, you little pip-squeak and I don't think
you should be talking to me this way" he growls back. I had
hoped that my display, no mater how totally useless it was, would
impress this simple felenzi and fill him full of terror. Instead
it had only angered him, and by the looks of his partially extended
claws, which he was lightly flexing, it had only served to invite
a confrontation.
Grabbing my arm, and pulling me away from the cart,
Marissa then steps in front of me. "Gentlemen, I think this
is getting far too out of hand... why don't we just go our separate
ways?"
His face quickly softens, as I feel the aura of Marissa's
pacifying energy pour out from her. His eyes go a little blank,
and his muscles all relax, causing him to slump a little in his
seat. Reaching over and pulling on the reigns near the oxen, she
starts the cart in motion again, then quickly ushers me away,
as I watch the cart retreat from us.
When we are a safe distance away, she stops looking
nervously back, and turns to me. "Dammit Ben, what were you
thinking back there... you should have never challenged him like
that." she scolds in a somewhat harsh, yet also concerned
tone of voice.
"But..." I stammer, still recovering from
the encounter. "I thought that's how you dealt with things
like that, by putting up a show of force..."
"Yes it is, most of the time... but we also
know when to back away. And you have no force to speak of, at
least not yet. What would you have done if he had attacked you?"
I can only stare blankly back her for an answer. "He could
have torn you apart, while all you could have hoped to do is flash
some light in his face... Also Ben, he was getting ready to pull
a gun on you..."
This revelation stuns me, as I try and comprehend
what this could have meant. As my face registers my surprise,
she continues. "That's why I didn't get into a confrontation
with him... it was too risky. Even my healing might not be enough
against a nasty gunshot wound... You need to learn when it's okay
to make a stand, and when it's in your best interest not to...
If I hadn't been there to intervene, he'd be picking what's left
of you out of his teeth right now..."
'If you hadn't been there, then I would be safe at
home right now' I think, not voicing this, realizing that this
would be an unfair statement to make. "I'm sorry Marissa,"
my voice stammering slightly, "I don't know what got into
me... it's just that I wasn't prepared for being treated in that
way. I thought I could scare him off easily..."
"It's okay now Ben," her voice softening,
as she gently pats my shoulder, calming me. "You gave me
quite a scare, but we were able to handle it, and nothing bad
came of it... Also, this makes me realize how I need to try and
teach you as much as I can in the next few days before we get
to town. I hadn't realized how people might react to you..."
The thought of a town filled with individuals like
the cart driver sends another shiver down my spine, but Marissa's
kind words and gentle reassuring touch help to take my mind off
of it. We continue walking, and start up our conversation again,
and manage to put the whole thing behind us. The rest of the day
passes without further incident. Several disquieting thoughts
still lurk in the back of my mind, but I'm able to do a fairly
decent job of ignoring them while occupying myself talking to
her.
When we reach a decent site to camp for the night,
I'm pleased to see that the stream we have been following has
widened out and become deep enough in a few places to get sufficiently
wet for bathing. Considering it's been two days of hard work since
I've taken a bath, this idea sits quite well with me. Taking a
complete change of clothes and a cake of soap, I head down to
a secluded part of the small river, leaving Marissa to gather
wood for our fire.
Stripping off my sweaty clothes and stepping into
the water, I shiver slightly at its coolness, but it's also very
refreshing sitting down and letting the water run over me. Enjoying
the simple pleasure of bathing, even in this primitive form, I
slowly lather up and getting used to the temperature, become quite
relaxed.
Spending several minutes like this, I am suddenly
reminded of how I spied Marissa bathing this morning, and quickly
look nervously around me, trying to see if I could be being watched
myself. Of course the idea is totally ridiculous, but perhaps
from my guilt, I can't quite shake it and become a little nervous.
Also, the thought of her hiding in the bushes watching me as I
run my soapy hands across my wet skin, is a little exciting; I
almost wish to catch her in this act, even knowing how absurd
the possibility of that is.
Finishing cleaning up, I rinse off and arise from
the two-foot depth of the river. Standing dripping on the shore,
waiting a few minutes before drying myself, using my clothes as
makeshift towels. Then feeling totally refreshed and enjoying
how wonderful being clean feels, I return to the campsite for
my nightly magic studies.
Spending another hour or so as my tutor, Marissa
once again helps me to gain more control over my newfound powers,
teaching me how to channel and control the energy flowing through
me. Even after experiencing the force of the magic within me several
times before, each time it begins to build within me, I am still
somewhat overwhelmed by the sensations. Sitting there with my
body tingling with some unknown force, a force which I have some
amount of control over, is quite a rush. Just the knowledge of
uncovering a force not explained by science or rational thought,
and having this all at my disposal, causes all sorts of wild thoughts
and emotions.
I still have a little trouble totally believing all
that has happened and everything I will soon be capable of. The
knowledge of magic existing at all was overwhelming enough, but
to learn that I also possessed such unheard of talents was kind
of a shock to my rational view of the world. Luckily my mindset
has always been somewhat open-minded to things that might not
be totally explainable, and with Marissa's help, the knowledge
of these powers has been assimilated fairly well. Sometimes this
all seems like it's a dream, but life is never what we expected,
even if it's as weird as this. Anyway, now that I have had the
taste of those hidden forces and felt the power surging within
me, there's no way that I could even conceive of living without
the knowledge of them.
Marissa is a wonderful tutor, and is slow and patient
with me, never getting frustrated when I have problems. In fact,
there are times when I'll become frustrated, and she's there to
help me step away from the problem, take a short break, and calm
down. Her constant support and proficient teachings are extremely
helpful, as I gain a little more control over the energy within
me each night; she is always eager to encourage me and offers
sincere and assuring praise at every little milestone.
After dinner and we have snuggled into our bedding,
we watch the remnants of another beautiful sunset. Staring into
the sky, watching the light slowly fade as the first stars begin
to appear, Marissa comments "it sure is beautiful out here,
isn't it Ben?"
This is a little surprising, since the past two nights
she has been quick to fall asleep, leaving me to gaze into the
heavens and ponder things by myself, trying to unwind and fall
asleep. "Yes it is... It's weird, but you never really appreciate
simple things like this most of the time... I guess I'm too busy
with everything else..."
"Yes... I guess we take things for granted.
It's been nice to get out here in the wilderness. I know it has
been tough at times, especially on you, but it has been very rewarding
too... maybe more for me, since I have enjoyed the opportunity
to hunt."
"It's been fun for me too, for the most part...
yes there's a lot of little details that have bothered me, but
it has been a decent vacation so far... Do you really enjoy hunting
that much?"
"Yes Ben, I do. I can't explain it to you, but
the feeling of the hunt is very exciting, and it connects us with
our past. The thrill of the chase, and finally taking the prey
is such a powerful rush... we have come a long way from our ancestors,
but we can't deny where we came from... Does it still bother you?"
"No, I guess not... It's still very different,
and is a little tough on my weak stomach, but I'm trying to deal
with it... I'm glad that you enjoy it so much, and it has come
in handy as a food supply... It still reminds me of how different
our two races our when I see you return from the hunt, but it's
more intriguing than frightening."
"Ben, you've been handling this whole situation
very well. You're a very commendable individual and scholar...
I'm glad that I chose you for this journey. I don't know exactly
what we're going to run up against when we finally reach our destination,
but I feel better having you here with me..."
The mention of this reminds me just why we are on
this trek, and that this is going to turn into more than just
a vacation, possibly very soon. The thought of this is a little
unsettling, as I try to contemplate just what we could be facing
off against. "What exactly do you think it's going to be
anyway?"
"I'm not sure... perhaps it won't turn out to
be anything more than a natural effect, like the members of the
guild assembly seemed to think... but I think it could be more
than that... I really don't know what it could be though, but
I do think there's something to it, and that there's some intelligence
behind it... the feelings from my visions were quite intense,
and this whole thing scares me a little, but I really need to
find out what's going on."
I'm still not really sure what to make out of her
visions, and how much of this to believe, but she has shown herself
to be very level-headed and intelligent, so whatever it is, I
doubt it's just a wild-goose chase. This is a little foreboding
though, knowing that this could possibly be a real threat we could
be going up against. Also, the fact that she has confessed her
apprehensions is somewhat unsettling. Rather not wanting to dwell
on these thoughts too much, I steer the conversation into other
areas, talking about mostly inconsequential things which friends
will sometimes ramble on about.
After awhile of this, the sky has become very dark
and most of the stars have come out. In an inspiration of curiosity,
I ask "Marissa, back on Earth, our ancestors used to look
at the stars and make patterns out of them, fitting them in with
stories and legends. Do you have that here, have you found pictures
in the sky here?"
She seems very enthusiastic about my question. Yes
indeed they have constellations on this world, and she's very
eager to point some of the obvious ones out to me. They make about
as much sense as our constellations, and in most instances they
are pretty hard to see, and it's amazing to think that her forefathers
had actually been able to construct images from those haphazard
connections of dots and lines. In most cases, I'm not really able
to see what she's trying to point out to me, but listening to
her tell of the folklore behind them is quite fascinating.
It seems that for them, the constellations are based
on myths from a long time ago, which no longer seem to be taken
too seriously, but make wonderful stories. Listening to her describe
all the colorful characters of the constellations, such as the
brave warrior Kainoc doing battle with something akin to a dragon,
is very captivating. She describes several stories and characters
to me before we both fall into a peaceful sleep.
Marissa and I are walking, unfettered by our packs,
through the open countryside, on a beautiful cloudless day, with
the sun shining with perfect radiance in the deep-blue sky above.
Walking along the sloping hillside, we come to rest beneath the
shade of a single tree amidst a sea of grass blowing slightly
in the gentle breeze.
Turning to look at me, with a compassionate, yet
also eager smile on her face, she reaches out her black-furred
hand and gently strokes my cheek. "You've been waiting for
this for awhile, haven't you Ben?"
"Yes... I just didn't know if you were interested
in me that way... I didn't know how to approach you."
"Well, I'm glad you finally said something...
I was beginning to think I'd never get to do this." With
that she quickly leans in and presses her furry muzzle against
my lips, as my body melts against hers, our arms wrapping each
other in a tight embrace.
Moving my arms across her back, I quickly locate
her spine and slowly begin to traverse it's entire length. Her
reactions to this come as quick pricks from her slightly-extended
claws whenever I reach each particularly sensitive region.
Withdrawing her tongue from my mouth, and pulling
away slightly from me, she tugs briefly at my shirt, wordlessly
suggests that I should remove it. Helping me pull the fabric off
over my head, she eagerly runs her hands along my exposed flesh.
Then in a instant of fluid discontinuity, the rest
of our clothing has melted from our bodies, and she lies pressed
against me, wrapping me in her furry warmth. Our movements start
out slow, but quickly pick up speed, lost in a frenzy, as she
purrs loudly in my ears.
And then, as quickly as it had started, the dream
is finished, and I realize that I am once more conscious and back
to reality. It isn't an abrupt awakening, more like a slow realization
that I'm awake, but the last image in my mind is the fleeting
remnants of the dream, further driving home the fact of how hopelessly
smitten I am by Marissa.
Looking around, I see that she has already left for
her morning hunt, and it's about the usual time when I awake.
Lying amongst my bedding, I ponder just what I'm to do with this
situation. I'm definitely attracted to her, there's no denying
that... she's human enough, and yet exotic, to completely captivate
me. However, part of the attraction is definitely with her personality
too. She's definitely an intelligent and no-nonsense type of person,
so I've got to handle this carefully. 'If I go ahead and blow
it, things will be very difficult for the next few weeks...'
As I'm trying to decide just exactly what to do,
Marissa returns once again from the woods with her fresh kill.
Looking at me and smiling, she jokes "come on Ben, you've
slept long enough... time to get out of bed."
Grinning back at her, hoping with what isn't too
much of a forced smile, I throw back my bedding and rise to join
her as she prepares our breakfast. My past experiences are definitely
helping me deal with the situation, for today I'm able to watch
the procedure without needing her help at calming my nerves and
stomach. I'm still a little squeamish about watching it, but the
uncontrollable feeling of nausea doesn't grip me like yesterday;
things are much better today. In fact, tomorrow I may even try
getting my hands dirty a little bit and help her out some.
When it comes time to remove the head, this still
gets to me, as I hear its spine cracking, but even that isn't
as bad the second time around. All in all, this seems to be something
I'll be able to learn, as long as I take it slow.
After the meat is roasting above the fire, Marissa
once again heads down to a secluded part of the river to wash
up. Sitting there and watching her go, then disappear behind the
trees and bushes, the temptation to watch her creeps in on me,
and almost gets too much to resist. Imagining that since the water
is deeper than yesterday, and she may decide to take a full bath,
causes further problems. The mental images of her slowly removing
every last stitch of clothing and then kneeling down in the river,
running her soapy hands through her fur, is almost too much for
me to take, but I manage to restrain myself.
The rest of the morning progresses normally, and
is pleasant as usual, with breakfast, then donning our packs once
again and heading off down the road. While walking along, we are
engaged once again in light conversation, but my mind is somewhat
preoccupied, debating just how I should handle my feelings for
her. I'm nervous about making a move, since doing it too early
could be disastrous, but then again if I wait too long, the window
of opportunity might pass me by.
We stop for lunch in a small clearing off to the
side of the road, which is a beautiful and picturesque setting,
with the bright sun illuminating the soft grass and leaves of
the trees in a slight golden glow. Looking at the small expanse
of grass, and the shade of the trees nearby, I am briefly reminded
of last night's romantic dream encounter.
Dropping our packs and heading down to the river,
we kneel and drink handfuls of the cool sparkling water. Watching
Marissa from the corner of my eyes, as she laps at the water with
her tongue, I'm again amused by this display, and then realize
just how exotic the sight of her tongue darting across the surface
of the water is.
Then, in a moment of rashness, completely abandoning
rational though, I decide that now is as good a time as any to
make a move. Coming back to our packs, we retrieve our noontime
rations and sitting back on the comfortably warm grass eat our
lunch. Sitting there eating, trying to keep my calm, hoping she
doesn't notice my nervousness, my mind is a jumble of chaotic
thoughts, as I try to divine the perfect plan.
Finishing eating, I make no move to leave, instead
lean back a little on the grass, trying to look as relaxed as
possible. Looking up into the deep-blue sky with its puffy-white
clouds, I simply state "this is such a beautiful place Marissa,
and this is such a nice day... do you think we could stay here
a while and just relax?"
Turning and smiling at me she replies "that
would be nice... we aren't in any hurry, and we haven't had much
rest these past few days."
As she leans back too, and slightly closes her eyes,
soaking up the warmth of the sun, I hesitate slightly, gathering
up my courage, then reach out a little tentatively and take her
furry hand in mine. She opens her eyes a little wider to look
at me, but doesn't seem surprised, and then smiles warmly once
again, gently squeezing my hand.
Pausing briefly, searching for the best opening lines,
I finally say softly "Marissa, you've been very patient and
considerate with me these past few days, thank you for being so
understanding and warm."
As I begin to slightly trace the fur on the back
of her hand, she responds "Ben that's so kind... and you've
been very understanding with me too... I was worried about how
you would take all of this, but you have astounded me... I'm glad
that I chose you for the trip..."
Lost in the warmth of her nearness, I continue to
idly stroke her hand for a few minutes, before getting the inspiration
and courage to make the next step. My shoulders had finally lost
most of their soreness from bearing the weight of the packs, however,
I hope that she might still have a little tenderness. "Does
your back still hurt from carrying the pack? I know my shoulders
really hurt for a couple of days... if you'd like, I could massage
them like I did with your leg."
"That would be wonderful Ben..." she replies
without any hint of surprise, and seems quite agreeable to the
idea. "I still have a little soreness, it's not too bad though...
but if you'd really like to do it, then I would certainly enjoy
it."
Trying to contain my obvious excitement, I move behind
her, then tracing my fingers slowly up her arms, enjoying the
feel of her soft fur gliding beneath my skin. Reaching her shoulders,
I begin massaging them, at first gently exploring their muscles,
then getting in and working the soreness out of them. As I'm rubbing
and kneading, her body begins to soften up, as she relaxes and
leans forward, becoming just the slightest bit limp.
Continuing my ministrations, and giving attention
to a wider area of her back, I gently rub my palms against her
fur, still feeling it slightly through the fabric of her shirt.
'You know Marissa, this would be a little easier if you were to
take that off...' Of course it is too early in the game to mention
that out loud.
Running my hands along her back in circular motions,
still paying a good deal of attention to her shoulders where the
soreness lies, I also make sure to continue to widen the area
of my explorations. By now she has become totally relaxed, almost
like putty in my hands. As my hands roam the contours of her back,
she lets out purrs, starting out barely audible, but reaching
in volume until they are easily heard. As they become louder,
they also become deeper and I can feel them lightly vibrating
within her as I continue the massage.
Urged on by her obvious signs of enjoyment, becoming
a little more daring, I start to navigate along her spine, tracing
my fingers along it. Then moving outward, pay close attention
to her lower back and sides. Stroking in circular motions, tracing
down her sides, then up her spine and outward again to repeat
the process; continuing to receive encouraging purrs from her.
As the minutes tick away, I am completely unaware
of how much time is passing, lost in act of giving her pleasure
and the thoughts of how well she is receiving my affections. Finally,
deciding it's time to proceed to the next level, I gently take
her shoulders and ease her back against me, to which she offers
no complaints.
Then continuing my massage where I'd left off, I
return to her sides, stroking up and down gently, urged on by
her excited purrs. Leaning against her, I place my cheek next
to hers, and am rewarded by her rubbing against it, further enclosing
me in her warmth. Now with my body pressed against hers somewhat
tightly, I can feel the full affect of her purrs, as each one
comes gently rumbling from deep within her, sending light vibrations
through both of us.
Guiding my hands to her lower abdomen, I continue
the massage, rubbing in gentle circles, slowly expanding outward.
Looking for any subtle signs of disapproval, I slowly work my
way upward with one hand, yet still her purrs seem to be building.
Then hesitating only slightly, I cross the bridge before me, making
my intentions perfectly clear. As she's purring deeply, lost in
ecstasy, I tenderly make contact with one of her supple breasts.
Running along its bottom contour, then gently reaching up to stroke
her nipple through the fabric of her shirt.
In what seems like only a spilt second, her demeanor
quickly changes, as with a flash of emotion her body tenses up
against mine. Almost instantly her purrs cease, as she grabs my
arms and forces me away from her. Then in a fluid motion, she
turns around hissing and throws me to the ground. Caught totally
off guard, I try and grab at her blindly. This elicits a growl
from her, as she roughly pushes my arms away. When I try to rise,
she forces me back to the ground, swiping at me, clawing my cheek
with her sharp and fully extended claws.
The intense pain is quickly forced out of my mind
as I look up at her and se the wild state she's in. Her eyes are
seething with anger, with her pupils constricted, as her ears
are spread back and flattened out. Her face is contorted into
a snarl, showing her sharp, carnivorous teeth.
Gazing up at her, once again feral, extremely dangerous,
and more than capable of tearing my throat out, I'm frozen in
her furious gaze. 'Shit! This is it isn't it... she's going to
rip me apart... I should never have come along on this trip...
How could I ever have found her attractive?'
As random neurons spasticly fire, flooding my mind
with manic and terrifying thoughts, overloading my consciousness,
I stare at her, waiting for her to strike. Once again time expands,
as the moments stretch out forever, and I'm locked in the grips
of her cold eyes, like a deer caught in the headlights.
When she finally does advance on me, the reality
of what's about to happen snaps me out of my trance. Reacting
quickly, putting my arms up defensively, I struggle to call on
the power within me to channel the right flow of energy directed
towards her. My concentration is shot though, and the wave of
tranquillity I was hoping to flood her with only sputters as she
makes contact.
Pushing aside my arms, she grabs my neck and pulls
me forward, slightly forcing her claws into my tender flesh. Looking
again into her eyes, they are beginning to soften and show a glimmering
of thought in them. She has begun to exert pressure on my throat,
but only slightly, hesitating for the moment. Taking advantage
of this brief reprieve, I manage to gasp out "Marissa, I'm
sorry..."
This seems to have some effect on her, as she loosens
her grip and her eyes begin to soften even more, her pupils slowly
returning to their natural size. Staring at me blankly for several
moments, then blinking several times before realization finally
flickers in her eyes, she then releases her grip on my neck. Letting
out a brief sigh of relief, I'm again startled as she snaps to
attention and darts her hand toward my cheek. Trying to pull back,
she is too fast for me and her hand comes in contact with my stinging
flesh. This time however, her claws are retracted and she pours
healing energy from her fingers, knitting the torn flesh within
seconds and stopping the pain.
Pulling her hand back from my face, she stares at
me for another brief period of time, trying to make sense out
of the situation, before finally speaking in a very concerned
tone of voice. "Ben... are you okay?"
Not knowing what to make of this, how one moment
she was ready to slice me wide open, and the next she's worried
about my health, I stare blankly back at her. Not answering her
question quick enough, she asks again, this time with more urgency.
"Ben... are you okay... are you hurt anywhere else?"
Pausing just briefly, I answer in a bewildered voice,
"yes... I think so... I think we've got some explaining to
do..."
Sighing ever so briefly, she nods, and offering me
her hand, helps me to a sitting position. "We definitely
need to have a talk Ben... I'm sorry this had to happen, and if
I had known you had those interests in me, I would have stopped
this whole thing before it even started... but you caught me off
guard."
"Caught you off guard?" I almost exclaim.
"What do you mean caught you off guard? I think I gave you
plenty of warning... and from the way you were acting, I thought
that's what you wanted..."
Her eyes slightly glistening, she speaks softly to
me with deep concern and compassion. "Ben... it's not what
you think... I should have realized that you were touching me
as more than a close friend, but I didn't think about it... How
you were touching me... for you that was more than just as a friend
wasn't it... you've been wanting to mate for a couple of days
haven't you?"
Feeling my face heat up from the awkwardness of this
discussion which I had forced upon myself, I lower my gaze slightly
and answer a bit hesitantly. "Yes Marissa... I've been interested
in you for the past few days... and I thought you might be interested
in me too... I mean I thought the way you touched me meant something...
Then when you let me go as far as you did with the massage, I
figured you wanted me to go further..."
"How I was touching you, that is how we show
affection for our closest friends. I was trying to make you feel
more at ease by approaching you that way sooner than I might have
if you were a felenzi. I just wanted to help you get used to things
here... I didn't know you'd take it this way... Humans don't touch
that way?"
"No... well not just friends. Usually when you
touch someone in that way it means you're interested in something
more... Even so, that doesn't explain why you let me touch you
as intimately as you did... certainly that isn't something that
friends do?"
Sighing again she responds, "actually it is...
it's quite normal for close friends to massage and groom one another
like that. We aren't that close, but I wanted to give you a chance
and gave you a little leeway... Touching like that is perfectly
normal, just as long as... certain areas are left alone... and
you crossed the line there..."
"So you weren't the least bit aroused? I mean
by the way you were purring, it seemed like you were having a
pretty good time and didn't want me to stop."
"I was enjoying it Ben," her voice becoming
ever-so-slightly harsh, "but you must not confuse simple
physical pleasures with sexual arousal... it was extremely sensual,
but by no means erotic... I don't know how it is with humans,
but with us close physical contact between close friends does
not inspire mating..." Then with her voice becoming softer
once again, she continues. "I wish I had known you had these
urges for me, then I would have been more reserved in my physical
contact with you, and wouldn't have let you touch me that way...
The massage was wonderful, but it wasn't worth all of this and
almost causing you serious injury."
"That's another thing. Why did you jump on me
like that... it was like the first day you were hunting all over
again, but only worse. Dammit, I thought you were going to kill
me for sure... I thought you said you had better control over
your animal instincts than that."
"Normally I do, but you caught me off guard.
If you had made your advances on me right away, I would have simply
pushed you away and we could have talked about it right then,
but instead you had to go an touch me like that first."
"What!" my voice sounding totally incredulous,
"you would have rather had me jump on you than try and arouse
you with foreplay?"
"Ben, I don't really know what you are talking
about, but you've got to stop thinking like I'm a human... What
I meant was that if you had just come right out in the open with
your intentions, I would have been able to handle it better. Instead,
I thought you were just giving me a simple grooming massage, and
I lost myself in the wonderful sensations of it... I got caught
up in the pleasure, which is somewhat similar to when I'm angry
or hunting... What I mean is that when I'm under those situations,
I don't think the same as I do now, I'm more instinctive."
"When you were touching me like that, I got
lost in the sensual feelings of it, letting my mind simply enjoy
it all. Then when you crossed the line and touched me where you
shouldn't have, it set off a very strong reaction in me. I was
already lost in the situation, so I didn't think it through, I
just reacted. That's why I attacked you the way I did... I'm sorry
for what happened. It was very unfortunate, but nobody's fault...
I'm just glad that you were able to hold me at bay until I calmed
down and came to my senses... You handled the attack very well,
for not having any weapons to speak of. You definitely need more
work on your magic, but even your jumbled spell helped to calm
me some."
All that she's just explained to me still hasn't
been totally assimilated, but the idea of her acting solely on
instinct is quite a scary thought and doesn't sit well with me.
However, even with all of the confusion I'm feeling, there is
still my underlying attraction, and now is as good as time as
any to get everything out in the open. Hesitating briefly, trying
to word this as best as possible, I finally reply "So now
that you know my feelings for you, even if I expressed them in
a bad way, do you have at least have some of these feelings for
me... is there some way we can work things out? I can go a lot
slower if you want..."
Looking sadly at me, she answers in a kind voice
"No Ben... I'm sorry, but I don't feel that way about you.
You are a wonderful travel companion, and I think you'll make
a wonderful friend... but I'm sorry, but I just don't see you
as a mate."
No matter how gently she tells me this, it still
feels as if she's taken a sledge hammer to the pit of my stomach,
knocking the wind out of me. As I sit there stunned by hearing
yet another version of "you're a nice person... as a friend"
speech, she continues. "I don't know what humans do when
it comes to mating Ben, but I can tell you it must be a lot different
from us... I have no interest in you as a mate, and I hope you
can deal with that... When I choose to mate, it will be with a
felenzi, one of my choosing. I'll probably try and choose a suitable
male from my own racial background, with fur patterns similar
to mine, but the fact remains that I'll mate when I'm ready and
not before."
Not being able to take any more of this, fighting
back urge to cry or scream or do something to release this stress
within me, I simply mutter "I need to be alone," and
stagger down to the river. Making sure I'm far out of her view,
I collapse to a sitting position with my head in my hands. As
the hot tears of frustration, betrayal, and unrequited love begin
to sting my eyes, my mind becomes a jumble of thoughts yet again.
'Way to go Romeo... you really swept her off your feet didn't
you... What the hell did you expect trying to seduce a fucking
cat?! Maybe you should have loosened her up with a little bit
of catnip?'
These bitter thoughts give way more to self pity,
as I realize that it's not her fault, and I'm just doomed to deal
with this situation, one I seem to have no control over. 'Why
did I have to act so quickly? Why couldn't I have just told her
how I felt? I feel like such an idiot... how am I going to face
her again? I don't know if I can... Here I am stuck here with
her for another three and a half weeks... stuck with someone I'm
hopelessly in love with, and she won't even try to give me a chance...
Why is it that whenever someone says you're such a wonderful and
nice guy... they always only mean as a friend? At least she didn't
say "you're a sweat person, and will definitely make someone
happy someday... just not me..." I don't know, what the hell
am I going to do?'
Sitting there wallowing in sorrow and self pity for
what probably is fifteen minutes or so, I am finally jerked back
to reality as I feel a familiar furry hand touch me briefly on
my shoulder. Jumping to attention, I turn to look into Marissa's
concerned eyes as she kneels beside me. I blurt out "please
don't touch me" before giving it any thought, and a hurt
look flashes across her face as she quickly withdraws her hand.
"I'm sorry Ben... I just wanted to help you...
Neither of us meant this to happen, and we need to get through
it."
Feeling a little guilty I reply, "I know...
it's just that it's a lot for me to take... I can't deny the way
I feel about you, and it's going to be hard dealing with it...
I just don't think I can handle you touching me like that, at
least not right now... I know it doesn't mean as much to you as
it does to me, but it still has more meaning for me than you want
it to..."
"I know... I'll try and be more understanding
from now on... are you feeling a little better now?" Wiping
my red eyes, I silently nod. "That's good... I wish there
was some way I could help you Ben, but I can't feel the way you
want me to... If you want to talk about it more, I'm willing to
listen though, and I'm willing to help, as long as you know where
I draw the line."
Regaining my composure, I finally stand up and simply
state, "thanks, but right now I still need to figure things
out for myself... We might as well get back on the road though."
She looks at me with worry and concern, but agrees seeing as I
need to be alone with my thoughts now. We put on our packs and
once more head down the road.
The rest of the afternoon she is very silent, letting
me work things out by myself. I manage to work through most of
the anger and see it for the irrational lashing out that it was.
However, the pain of her rejection is still deep within me and
will take some time to fully deal with. Intellectually I can understand
her reasons for not being attracted to me, but emotionally I'm
unable to accept it, wishing she would just give me a chance to
show her how nice I could be.
By the time we stop for the night, I'm emotionally
exhausted. Not even bothering to wash up, I simply change shirts
and slump down on my bedroll, wishing I could just sink into oblivion.
Marissa watches me with a pained and heartfelt look on her face,
hesitating as if not sure what to say. Then finally speaking softly
to me with great compassion, she says "Ben, I'm sorry for
what happened today, and I feel partly responsible for putting
you through this... but I can't be what you want me to be, and
you're going to have to accept that..." Hesitating again,
she finally adds "do you want to continue with your studies
tonight, or would you rather not?"
"No... I think it might help me to get my mind
off things for a bit..." Sitting up, she comes and sits besides
me as usual and tentatively takes my hand, as if unsure how her
touch will affect me. Surprisingly this isn't too hard for me
to deal with, I am so emotionally numb that it really has no effect
on me. Concentrating on my lessons is somewhat hard, given the
mental disarray that I'm in, but she is very patient with me and
doesn't push me too far. In the end I haven't really learned much
this time, but it did help me to forget about the situation for
awhile and feel a little better.
After dinner, which is eaten in a uncomfortable silence,
I am totally exhausted, and fall into bed even before the sun
has completely set. I figured I wouldn't be able to sleep, but
I'd been through so much and am so tired, that I'm out within
minutes, and graciously my sleep isn't plagued by wrenching dreams.
Instead my mind falls into the temporary oblivion I had so longed
for.
In the morning, upon first waking I feel much better,
but then remember the predicament I've found myself in. This day,
and the others to follow are extremely tough on me, trying to
accept the fact that no matter what, Marissa will never feel the
way I want her to about me. I try and find comfort in the fact
that at least our friendship seems repairable, but it doesn't
seem like much consolation at the time. She is very considerate
about my feelings, and we have a few talks on the matter, but
at times even this doesn't help. A few times I find myself feeling
angry and her for spurning me so, then feeling incredibly guilty
for these unfair thoughts.
In the end, I'm somewhat able to come to terms with
it. I've had to deal with this situation a few times before, and
although usually would try and distance myself from that individual,
at least I somewhat know how to handle it. I still have those
feelings and urges within me, but for the most part they're under
control. I have another couple of romantic dreams involving Marissa,
which threaten the situation, but again they're painful but manageable.
The next few days are somewhat awkward between the
two of us, but we manage to pull through, and even become a little
closer platonicly because of it. Perhaps I'll be able to learn
to fully accept what I have with her, and not ache for more.
As a plus, in order to help forget about the problem,
I throw myself into my magic studies, and make several small leaps
of progress. Now lighting a fire is perfectly within my reach,
although it still takes a good bit of concentration, and I'm also
beginning to master the skills of other spells, such as healing,
tranquillity and energy projection.
As for hunting, I've thrown myself into that too,
and after a couple of days actually start helping out with the
cleaning process. It's still pretty gross, but I can get all the
way through it without gagging, so I'm definitely improving. I've
also grown somewhat fond of pantouka meat, maybe because it's
one of the two sources of meat we have available to us, but it
does have an interesting taste to it, once you learn to appreciate
it.
On our journey, we come across another traveler on
the sixth day. He too is driving an oxen-driven carriage, but
his demeanor is much better than our first acquaintance. He is
surprised to see me, but much more amiable, asking questions,
but polite ones. We stop and talk with him for several minutes,
and he seems quite fascinated that I'm from another world and
asks several questions, such as how I can speak their language
so well, and so on. In the end it's a very positive experience,
and I hope he is more of an example of how an average felenzi
will react to me than was the first traveler.
Finally at the end of our seventh day on the road,
just as I was running out of clean clothes, we reach the town
Marissa had spoke of so many days ago. Walking towards it, it's
obvious that it's much smaller and not as well-kept as her home
town, but any sign of civilization is welcome. I'm a bit nervous
about what we might encounter there, but am also looking forward
to the prospect of sleeping in an inn with a real bed and taking
a decent bath.
Copyright 1994, Will A. Sanborn - was1@shore.net